NSA Infiltrates a Surveillance-Proof Social Network
5 views10/19/2026
An entirely fictional El Risitas parody: an NSA agent explains what happened when his office joined a new privacy-first social platform. No real infiltration alleged.
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| 00:00 - 00:05 | So this new social network launches... |
| 00:05 - 00:07 | They call it Haven. |
| 00:07 - 00:10 | It promises to stop surveillance. |
| 00:11 - 00:16 | My boss at the NSA sends us the Kickstarter. |
| 00:17 - 00:21 | Says, 'Boys, we've got a problem.' |
| 00:21 - 00:24 | 'THEY'VE SOLVED SURVEILLANCE!' |
| 00:29 - 00:31 | 'SOLVED IT!' |
| 00:31 - 00:34 | So he tells us to sign up immediately. |
| 00:38 - 00:40 | [wheezing laughter] |
| 00:41 - 00:47 | We create five hundred accounts on launch day. |
| 00:47 - 00:50 | Five hundred?! |
| 00:50 - 00:56 | Every profile picture is a bald eagle. |
| 00:58 - 00:59 | Did they notice? |
| 00:59 - 01:01 | They welcomed us. |
| 01:04 - 01:06 | They gave us founding-member badges. |
| 01:06 - 01:08 | FOUNDING MEMBERS! |
| 01:13 - 01:14 | And the security? |
| 01:14 - 01:16 | Oh, outstanding. |
| 01:16 - 01:20 | Every picture is poisoned against AI training. |
| 01:21 - 01:27 | But nobody thought to check the five hundred bald eagles. |
| 01:35 - 01:36 | Then... |
| 01:36 - 01:39 | They announced they needed moderators. |
| 01:41 - 01:44 | I applied. Said I worked in intelligence. |
| 01:44 - 01:47 | They said, 'Exactly what we need!' |
| 01:47 - 01:49 | Did they check? |
| 01:50 - 01:53 | They asked if I cared about privacy. |
| 01:54 - 01:56 | I clicked YES. |
| 01:56 - 01:58 | ACCEPTED! |
| 01:58 - 02:02 | Next week I'm head of Trust & Safety. |
| 02:05 - 02:07 | Trust & Safety?! |
| 02:10 - 02:11 | Yes! |
| 02:11 - 02:13 | My boss chairs the privacy committee. |
| 02:15 - 02:17 | And his boss... |
| 02:17 - 02:20 | ...heads the anti-surveillance working group. |
| 02:21 - 02:28 | Then they held a big community Q&A. |
| 02:29 - 02:30 | About what? |
| 02:30 - 02:32 | 'How do we keep the NSA out?' |
| 02:36 - 02:39 | WE WERE ON THE PANEL! |
| 02:40 - 02:42 | ON THE PANEL! |
| 02:50 - 02:55 | We told everyone to use strong passwords. |
| 02:56 - 02:58 | Did they listen? |
| 02:58 - 03:04 | They invited us to speak at their privacy summit. |
| 03:04 - 03:09 | I gave a talk called 'Trust No One'. |
| 03:09 - 03:11 | Standing ovation. |
| 03:16 - 03:20 | Then the founder asked us to help hire security. |
| 03:23 - 03:26 | Who did you recommend? |
| 03:31 - 03:36 | THE REST OF THE NSA! |