| 00:00 - 00:03 | Mr Mayor, Bisley has been officially crowned |
| 00:04 - 00:05 | the No1 village in England |
| 00:05 - 00:07 | beating Slad, Sheepscombe |
| 00:08 - 00:12 | and in fact all other villages. |
| 00:12 - 00:15 | The judges described it as 'paradise on earth'. |
| 00:17 - 00:19 | And where was Oakridge in these infernal... |
| 00:19 - 00:21 | and, indeed, stupid rankings? |
| 00:24 - 00:26 | Er... Mr Mayor |
| 00:27 - 00:28 | We... |
| 00:31 - 00:33 | We came last, in 2,014th place. |
| 00:34 - 00:36 | Look at the rude words the judges wrote about us. |
| 00:53 - 00:58 | Right. Everybody out, bar you three muppets. |
| 01:13 - 01:15 | These judges say Oakridge smells like donkey doo-doo! |
| 01:15 - 01:17 | They say no-one likes us! |
| 01:18 - 01:23 | They say bloody Bisley, and I quote, 'knocks Oakridge into a cocked hat'! |
| 01:25 - 01:28 | We need to put together... |
| 01:29 - 01:31 | a team of our top minds |
| 01:31 - 01:34 | to go over there and steal their bloody silly crown |
| 01:34 - 01:37 | and bring it back here! |
| 01:37 - 01:40 | What's stopping us? |
| 01:40 - 01:42 | Mr Mayor, the Mummers... |
| 01:42 - 01:46 | The Mummers? What's wrong with you, man? |
| 01:46 - 01:48 | Mr Mayor, they have fiendish acting skills... |
| 01:48 - 01:52 | Acting? They couldn't act their way out of a paper bag! |
| 01:53 - 01:54 | It's all just childish rhyming couplets |
| 01:56 - 01:57 | and juvenile double entendres a fool |
| 01:57 - 02:00 | can see coming a mile off! You think they're going to |
| 02:00 - 02:03 | say 'boobs'... and then they don't. That's all there is to it! |
| 02:04 - 02:08 | And I have to put up with it. Every! Bloody! Year! |
| 02:08 - 02:13 | The Town Crier? I've met cleverer blancmange! |
| 02:14 - 02:16 | Their leader is called Sir Milo Knackers, for God's sake! |
| 02:17 - 02:21 | 'My low knackers.' Can't you see what they're doing? |
| 02:27 - 02:29 | Santa Claus? That blithering idiot PC Plod? |
| 02:30 - 02:34 | Bloody Doctor Doctor... her 'medicine' is just beer, you fools! |
| 02:34 - 02:36 | Every year it's the same damned 'story'. |
| 02:41 - 02:42 | Bisley wins and we lose. |
| 02:43 - 02:47 | These judges, who named Bisley No1 village in England? They're from bloody Bisley! |
| 02:48 - 02:53 | Of course they won! It's a fix! |
| 02:54 - 02:56 | Why don't we set up our own competition and name Oakridge No1? |
| 02:56 - 02:59 | See how they like those apples! |
| 03:00 - 03:02 | Why do I have to do all the thinking round here? |
| 03:04 - 03:07 | Don't worry. Oakridge doesn't really smell of donkey doo-doo. |
| 03:14 - 03:16 | Tell Sir Rob Itall, Lady Ivana Yourstuff |
| 03:19 - 03:23 | and Lady Isla Pinchit to go over there and bring back |
| 03:25 - 03:26 | that crown. |
| 03:31 - 03:33 | If they come across the Mummers, so be it. |
| 03:40 - 03:46 | If Milo Knackers wants it, he can bloody have it, good and proper. |
| 03:46 - 03:49 | I've just about had it up to here with Bisley. |
| 03:53 - 03:56 | It ends here. |
