Hitler reacts to Secure Access
19 views5/29/2024
Cisco Hitler learns some shocking news about the status of Secure Access.
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| 00:00 - 00:03 | As you know, we launced Secure Access last year in time for Cisco Live. |
| 00:04 - 00:05 | We now have 30 paying customers. |
| 00:05 - 00:07 | We've got Meraki's sexy UI. |
| 00:08 - 00:12 | Nirmal took a victory lap and went on PTO for the whole Q4 commit week. |
| 00:12 - 00:15 | And we've mostly managed to stop people from calling it C.S.A. |
| 00:17 - 00:19 | That's excellent. |
| 00:19 - 00:21 | I can't wait to see our favorable placement in the MQ. |
| 00:24 - 00:26 | But sir... |
| 00:27 - 00:28 | Gartner... |
| 00:31 - 00:33 | Gartner did not put us into their Magic Quadrant this year. |
| 00:34 - 00:36 | We don't have enough people actually using the product. |
| 00:53 - 00:58 | Anyone who hasn't worked at Ironport or McAfee, leave this room. |
| 01:13 - 01:15 | Getting into the MQ was the whole point of this death march! |
| 01:15 - 01:17 | We literally named it "SSE" so those douches would know what category to put it into! |
| 01:18 - 01:23 | Our whole project brief was simply "MQ + $100m = profit!" |
| 01:25 - 01:28 | 99% of this is just Umbrella's spare parts, how did you fuck up copying their homework? |
| 01:29 - 01:31 | Cloudflare is taunting us in their marketing material. |
| 01:31 - 01:34 | Our only AI feature supplants a policy wizard with a policy chatbot. |
| 01:34 - 01:37 | Even the morlocks at DNSFilter have a tighter battlecard. |
| 01:37 - 01:40 | Now ZScaler is advertising their DNS protection. |
| 01:40 - 01:42 | Sir, Zscaler's DNS protection is rudimentary at best. |
| 01:42 - 01:46 | They're not stuck in a 3-year-abortion of a content category migration! |
| 01:46 - 01:48 | We can leverage the installbase of AnyConnect and provide Zero Trust... |
| 01:48 - 01:52 | Zero people trust that piece of shit! |
| 01:53 - 01:54 | Even our own devs prefer to use Juniper. |
| 01:56 - 01:57 | We have an 8-figure AWS bill |
| 01:57 - 02:00 | And I still have to sit through ads on Prime Video |
| 02:00 - 02:03 | The CSCO stock ticker is in freefall |
| 02:04 - 02:08 | We can't get our stocks up even when we publicly suck nVidia's dick. |
| 02:08 - 02:13 | If I could keep my CDFW tunnel up for more than 30 seconds, I'd log in and dump and all my RSUs. |
| 02:14 - 02:16 | After being rebuffed once, we set $28bn cash on fire for Splunk. |
| 02:17 - 02:21 | And now Palo is dick-slapping us with their QRadar acquisition. |
| 02:27 - 02:29 | We agreed to a change freeze for the Olympics. |
| 02:30 - 02:34 | We gave Hitachi their own goddamn data center. |
| 02:34 - 02:36 | We promised a dozen F500 customers that we'd deploy in China. |
| 02:41 - 02:42 | And now we're pulling out of Hong Kong! |
| 02:43 - 02:47 | Everything I know about SAAS I learned from email. |
| 02:48 - 02:53 | All we needed to do was bundle this shovelware into suites. |
| 02:54 - 02:56 | We'd be the next Norton Utilities. |
| 02:56 - 02:59 | Zoom handed us our asses during the pandemic, their name became a verb. |
| 03:00 - 03:02 | After falling 90%, their shares are worth twice what ours are. |
| 03:04 - 03:07 | Customers are still deploying the firewalls they bought last quarter. |
| 03:14 - 03:16 | I'm going to host another AMA and not answer any questions. |
| 03:19 - 03:23 | Get Chuck a slot on Jim Kramer's show |
| 03:25 - 03:26 | Force more PTO usage |
| 03:31 - 03:33 | Have another round of LR |
| 03:40 - 03:46 | Maybe we can make the MQ in September. |
| 03:46 - 03:49 | We only need 4 million users. |
| 03:53 - 03:56 | Let's rebrand DNS-A |