| 00:00 - 00:03 | Fresher's flu is in full swing |
| 00:04 - 00:05 | the dreaded lurgy has hit Lucy |
| 00:05 - 00:07 | in castle street and on the main site |
| 00:08 - 00:12 | we will cordon off accommodation |
| 00:12 - 00:15 | and kill any snogging freshers |
| 00:17 - 00:19 | I as Marco will go to M&S |
| 00:19 - 00:21 | and buy ginger shots |
| 00:24 - 00:26 | Dear Marco |
| 00:27 - 00:28 | You already have it |
| 00:31 - 00:33 | you're sweating like a gyppo with a mortgage |
| 00:34 - 00:36 | and you're shaking with fever |
| 00:53 - 00:58 | Anyone who has fresher's flu or has made out in Revs, leave the room. |
| 01:13 - 01:15 | WHAT IN THE FUCKITY FUCK? |
| 01:15 - 01:17 | I drank a whole bottle of 90% absinthe! |
| 01:18 - 01:23 | It should burn all the lurgies. But those bloody chinese! |
| 01:25 - 01:28 | They've brought a new disease! |
| 01:29 - 01:31 | I bet it's badgers this time! |
| 01:31 - 01:34 | I have a law applications and sailing trials! |
| 01:34 - 01:37 | I'm going to be as mobile as a woke DEI german politician! |
| 01:37 - 01:40 | I'm going to be bedridden and coughing all day, Rory smokes and is fine! |
| 01:40 - 01:42 | Smoking is bad for your health! |
| 01:42 - 01:46 | RORY SMOKES A BOX OF DAVIDOFF A DAY |
| 01:46 - 01:48 | But he's drinking and smoking himself to death! |
| 01:48 - 01:52 | That bastard is a manwhore |
| 01:53 - 01:54 | He's shagged half the town! |
| 01:56 - 01:57 | I've worn 10 layers and drank tea. |
| 01:57 - 02:00 | I've burnt my insides with my absinthe. |
| 02:00 - 02:03 | I've not smoked pot in months |
| 02:04 - 02:08 | Meanwhile Rory's friends are soiling themselves like Trump |
| 02:08 - 02:13 | Rory heard his friend needed a poo. |
| 02:14 - 02:16 | And he was the one who went and copped a squat |
| 02:17 - 02:21 | and he frisbeed his mate's pants at the wall and made a mess like Stalin! |
| 02:27 - 02:29 | The turd slid down the wall. |
| 02:30 - 02:34 | And Rory stood there gawking. |
| 02:34 - 02:36 | He's doing all that funky shit and is fine |
| 02:41 - 02:42 | I've bundled up warm. |
| 02:43 - 02:47 | AND RORY WALKS AROUND IN A MAO T-SHIRT |
| 02:48 - 02:53 | He doesn't even know how to use an iron or use his kettle! |
| 02:54 - 02:56 | He even asked he how to tie his sodding bow. |
| 02:56 - 02:59 | That bell-end couldn't organise a rice fight at a chinese whorehouse |
| 03:00 - 03:02 | He couldn't plan a fart at a Bangladeshi takeaway |
| 03:04 - 03:07 | It's ok, you slept with Rory once and he isn't ill yet. |
| 03:14 - 03:16 | At least I'm in England and the NHS is good. |
| 03:19 - 03:23 | And the Chinese restaurant down the road doesn't have Chinese chefs. |
| 03:25 - 03:26 | College food is cooked fresh. |
| 03:31 - 03:33 | And formal hall food is tasty. |
| 03:40 - 03:46 | At least people don't wear trainers to matriculation. |
| 03:46 - 03:49 | And people tuck their shirts in and wear ties. |
| 03:53 - 03:56 | And there are no cockroaches in Castle Street. |
