| 00:00 - 00:03 | I've booked our seats for the Duolingo Awards. |
| 00:04 - 00:05 | We'll assemble first in Wetherspoons |
| 00:05 - 00:07 | sink a few pints there, |
| 00:08 - 00:12 | then gather in the Duolingo bar, before taking our seats |
| 00:12 - 00:15 | for their 'Hall of Meanies' grand prize ceremony. |
| 00:17 - 00:19 | I can picture that trophy now. |
| 00:19 - 00:21 | with my name all over it. |
| 00:24 - 00:26 | My Fuhrer... |
| 00:27 - 00:28 | Steiner... |
| 00:31 - 00:33 | Steiner says J K Rowling is favourite to win. |
| 00:34 - 00:36 | She's already in their phrase book. |
| 00:53 - 00:58 | Anyone still longlisted for the Polari prize, stay here. |
| 01:13 - 01:15 | What do I have to do? |
| 01:15 - 01:17 | What the actual fuck must I do? |
| 01:18 - 01:23 | That shitty app doesn't even know the meaning of the word "mean"! |
| 01:25 - 01:28 | A fucking language app. |
| 01:29 - 01:31 | It probably thinks it means 'average'. |
| 01:31 - 01:34 | Fucking added me up and divided me by six. |
| 01:34 - 01:37 | I'm the internet's go-to bad guy |
| 01:37 - 01:40 | Every online debate ends with a comparison to me - |
| 01:40 - 01:42 | But Rowling said that men in knickers aren't women -! |
| 01:42 - 01:46 | I built Auschwitz! She built fucking Platform Nine and 3/4! |
| 01:46 - 01:48 | My Fuhrer, men's feelings have been hurt. |
| 01:48 - 01:52 | She's given hundreds of millions to charity! |
| 01:53 - 01:54 | She even pays tax! |
| 01:56 - 01:57 | She has her own shop in Kings Cross |
| 01:57 - 02:00 | There are kids in undiscovered rainforest tribes |
| 02:00 - 02:03 | Who have Griffindor t-shirts and Ravenclaw scarves |
| 02:04 - 02:08 | She saves women from violence, she rescues orphans |
| 02:08 - 02:13 | By now she must be halfway to curing multiple sclerosis |
| 02:14 - 02:16 | Not to mention those fucking gripping Strike books |
| 02:17 - 02:21 | I can never guess the twist. Yet now Duolingo compares her with Stalin! |
| 02:27 - 02:29 | I reduced all Europe to ashes. |
| 02:30 - 02:34 | I bombed London Zoo. Killed that wanker of a gorilla. |
| 02:34 - 02:36 | He's picked his last fucking banana. |
| 02:41 - 02:42 | For a writer. |
| 02:43 - 02:47 | For the most popular author the world has ever seen. Instead of me! |
| 02:48 - 02:53 | Just because she objects to men taking selfies in women's toilets. |
| 02:54 - 02:56 | Or helping teenage girls with their bras. |
| 02:56 - 02:59 | Marks & Spencer never gave me a job |
| 03:00 - 03:02 | They said my conversation put people off! |
| 03:04 - 03:07 | It's okay. We can still shop at Aldi. |
| 03:14 - 03:16 | I think I can see where I went wrong |
| 03:19 - 03:23 | I've always gendered objects correctly. |
| 03:25 - 03:26 | Like buttons. |
| 03:31 - 03:33 | But a man's jacket! A feminine noun. |
| 03:40 - 03:46 | I'm not taking lessons in gender identity from such a crazy language as German. |
| 03:46 - 03:49 | And J K Rowling is welcome to that crappy award. |
| 03:53 - 03:56 | Now uninstall my app. |
