00:00 - 00:03 | Mr. President, we've adopted the new dress code that you ordered. |
00:04 - 00:05 | We have some news from the 2019 elections. |
00:05 - 00:07 | In Virginia, Democrats have taken control of both the state House and Senate, |
00:08 - 00:12 | giving them full control of state government for the first time since 1994. |
00:12 - 00:15 | We did win the governor's race in Mississippi, which is... |
00:17 - 00:19 | the poorest and most conservative state in the country. |
00:19 - 00:21 | I'm glad then that I campaigned hard to get Bevin re-elected governor in Kentucky. |
00:24 - 00:26 | Mr. President, ... |
00:27 - 00:28 | Bevin |
00:31 - 00:33 | Bevin has been defeated by the Democrat, Andy Beshear. |
00:34 - 00:36 | Bevin is toast. |
00:53 - 00:58 | If you have been subpoenaed by the impeachment committee, please leave. |
01:13 - 01:15 | I am a stable genius! |
01:15 - 01:17 | I didn't even want to be president! I only ran to goose the ratings for The Apprentice. |
01:18 - 01:23 | And now they want to impeach me? |
01:25 - 01:28 | I can't even go to a baseball game without getting booed. |
01:29 - 01:31 | The whole crowd was booing. |
01:31 - 01:34 | "Lock him up!" they kept chanting. Don't they have any respect? |
01:34 - 01:37 | Even Melania understood what they were shouting. |
01:37 - 01:40 | She wouldn't even touch the hot dog I tried to slip her. |
01:40 - 01:42 | Mr. President, Melania prefers peanuts and cracker jack. |
01:42 - 01:46 | I don't care if I never get back! |
01:46 - 01:48 | Mr. President, it's one, two, three strikes you're out. |
01:48 - 01:52 | We haven't even built the wall yet! |
01:53 - 01:54 | I'm so tired of all this winning. |
01:56 - 01:57 | Sean Spicer has quit. Michael Flynn is in prison. |
01:57 - 02:00 | Even that cow Sarah Huckabee Sanders is at Fox News now. |
02:00 - 02:03 | All we could get to take her place was that bimbo Stephanie Grisham. |
02:04 - 02:08 | Nice tits, but she winced when I tried to grab her ass. |
02:08 - 02:13 | For god's sake, can't we get a nice Aryan blonde in here? |
02:14 - 02:16 | Bring me a blonde with big bazungas. |
02:17 - 02:21 | I'm famous, you know. Get me a Hollywood starlet! |
02:27 - 02:29 | At least Putin is my friend. |
02:30 - 02:34 | Putin will help. He'll have his bots on Facebook, |
02:34 - 02:36 | telling everyone that Biden is corrupt, or Sanders is a ranting old man |
02:41 - 02:42 | or Warren wants to spend trillions of dollars on health care. |
02:43 - 02:47 | For God's sake, we're already spending a trillion a year on the deficit I created. |
02:48 - 02:53 | How the hell is she going to afford anything for health care? |
02:54 - 02:56 | The Democrats are crazy, and Putin will tell everyone |
02:56 - 02:59 | Then he'll tell North Korea to be my friend, |
03:00 - 03:02 | and North Korea will tell China to buy our stuff again. |
03:04 - 03:07 | Has he grabbed you too? |
03:14 - 03:16 | I actually ate a Trump steak once. |
03:19 - 03:23 | It tasted like Nancy Pelosi's ass. |
03:25 - 03:26 | Not that I would know what that tastes like. |
03:31 - 03:33 | My prick is alone. |
03:40 - 03:46 | I need to go tweet something about the failing New York Times. |
03:46 - 03:49 | At least people still think I'm a billionaire. |
03:53 - 03:56 | They haven't found out yet... |