| 00:00 - 00:03 | Sir, reports state that more people protested than attended your birthday party. |
| 00:04 - 00:05 | Not even our Craigslist attendees smiled. |
| 00:05 - 00:07 | The tanks were squeaking so much |
| 00:08 - 00:12 | and the rock music was distracting the army participants' steps. |
| 00:12 - 00:15 | Overall, this parade could have been better. |
| 00:17 - 00:19 | I don't give a shit, how many people attended? |
| 00:19 - 00:21 | It better have been as successful as my rallies. |
| 00:24 - 00:26 | Mr. President, |
| 00:27 - 00:28 | only 200 people showed up. |
| 00:31 - 00:33 | And most of these were friends and family of Cabinet members. |
| 00:34 - 00:36 | We're deeply sorry, sir. |
| 00:53 - 00:58 | Pete, Vance, I need a word with you. All you other useless lackeys, just go. |
| 01:13 - 01:15 | What the hell is wrong with you all?! |
| 01:15 - 01:17 | All I wanted were big goosesteps and cheers! |
| 01:18 - 01:23 | All I got was a lecture on the army I slept through! |
| 01:25 - 01:28 | Pete, I saved your drunk ass from resignation. |
| 01:29 - 01:31 | I know you were getting yourself hammered the night before all of this. |
| 01:31 - 01:34 | And you, Vance, sitting there like a fatass. |
| 01:34 - 01:37 | I can't wait until I depart you both to Guantamano! |
| 01:37 - 01:40 | Even Elon could have handled this better! |
| 01:40 - 01:42 | Sir, I don't want to go to Guantanamo. |
| 01:42 - 01:46 | At this point, you're worse than a Mexican dishwasher! |
| 01:46 - 01:48 | The parade was OK, sir. |
| 01:48 - 01:52 | OK my ass, I would have had all of those going out of step executed on the spot. |
| 01:53 - 01:54 | It's not that hard! |
| 01:56 - 01:57 | All I wanted was to distract the people |
| 01:57 - 02:00 | from the raids Kristi is handling this week |
| 02:00 - 02:03 | and you couldn't even do the basics. |
| 02:04 - 02:08 | Why do people care so much about bad genes? |
| 02:08 - 02:13 | Or funding research for kids with cancer |
| 02:14 - 02:16 | when I wanted a damn good birthday party. |
| 02:17 - 02:21 | Maybe I should have hired the anchors on One America News Network instead. |
| 02:27 - 02:29 | How the hell can I look Kim Jong Un in the face after this. |
| 02:30 - 02:34 | I love that man so much. |
| 02:34 - 02:36 | He'll never respond to my letters after this mess. |
| 02:41 - 02:42 | And Putin, I don't even want to talk about it. |
| 02:43 - 02:47 | The only good part of this day was his phone call! |
| 02:48 - 02:53 | How did they get it right? |
| 02:54 - 02:56 | While I'm here dealing with your ineffective asses. |
| 02:56 - 02:59 | Why is it so hard to make me all-powerful and loved? |
| 03:00 - 03:02 | That's what I hired you all to do! |
| 03:04 - 03:07 | He'll be happier after his McDonald's meal. |
| 03:14 - 03:16 | I need to go golfing. |
| 03:19 - 03:23 | Thinking about my big rallies will make me happy |
| 03:25 - 03:26 | and Peter Thiel. |
| 03:31 - 03:33 | Speaking of, |
| 03:40 - 03:46 | at least I have the Palantir government database to look forward to. |
| 03:46 - 03:49 | That's how shit needs to get done in this regime. |
| 03:53 - 03:56 | Now get out of here before I fire you. |
