| 00:00 - 00:03 | Thaddeus, your youtube analytics has crunched |
| 00:04 - 00:05 | the numbers. The video, "Civil War" |
| 00:05 - 00:07 | has been viewed by |
| 00:08 - 00:12 | three web-crawlers and |
| 00:12 - 00:15 | two Russian bots. Bringing the total views to 5. |
| 00:17 - 00:19 | That's fine. With 6 views |
| 00:19 - 00:21 | someone actually must have watched it. |
| 00:24 - 00:26 | Thaddeus... |
| 00:27 - 00:28 | Your mom... |
| 00:31 - 00:33 | Your mom somehow got on the computer |
| 00:34 - 00:36 | and Googled your name. She was the 6th. |
| 00:53 - 00:58 | Everyone here who hasn't watched ANY of my videos to the end, please leave. |
| 01:13 - 01:15 | I spent months! |
| 01:15 - 01:17 | Literally worked for months! |
| 01:18 - 01:23 | Trying to get every word right. Rewriting and rewriting. |
| 01:25 - 01:28 | I guess I can run the first presidential campaign |
| 01:29 - 01:31 | entirely fueled by pathos. |
| 01:31 - 01:34 | I knew I should have put in something a little XXX. |
| 01:34 - 01:37 | At least a provocative thumbnail. |
| 01:37 - 01:40 | Something to draw these rubes in. |
| 01:40 - 01:42 | Your videos were long, boring political rants! |
| 01:42 - 01:46 | I don't CARE! We're fighting Trump and MAGA!! |
| 01:46 - 01:48 | Thaddeus, you're not the only anti-MAGA... |
| 01:48 - 01:52 | Do you think I don't know that? |
| 01:53 - 01:54 | Even that pen says Kamala Harris |
| 01:56 - 01:57 | I didn't even ask for |
| 01:57 - 02:00 | money like the Democrats |
| 02:00 - 02:03 | that's all they did |
| 02:04 - 02:08 | Every time I saw that woman's face |
| 02:08 - 02:13 | she had her hand out |
| 02:14 - 02:16 | Where's the sweet campaign money for Thaddeus? |
| 02:17 - 02:21 | Zero! Trump makes more money tweeting on the toilet I'm not kidding! |
| 02:27 - 02:29 | I lived out of my car for months. |
| 02:30 - 02:34 | Me, Thaddeus Roberts, the great philosopher |
| 02:34 - 02:36 | Can you believe it? |
| 02:41 - 02:42 | That's right. |
| 02:43 - 02:47 | I have won trophies and awards |
| 02:48 - 02:53 | for my world-class self-pity. |
| 02:54 - 02:56 | None of you can compete with me. |
| 02:56 - 02:59 | My wallowing puts your self-pity to shame. |
| 03:00 - 03:02 | Watch and learn losers! |
| 03:04 - 03:07 | You did right by rejecting him for the prom. |
| 03:14 - 03:16 | Well, I've had a good life... |
| 03:19 - 03:23 | Oregon State, Berkeley... This is homestead Sofia |
| 03:25 - 03:26 | This his house. |
| 03:31 - 03:33 | The creek is forlorn. |
| 03:40 - 03:46 | Well, maybe I need |
| 03:46 - 03:49 | to take my meds. |
| 03:53 - 03:56 | Before Trump kills the ACA |
