| 00:00 - 00:03 | the early mail-in votes are favoring Mamdani |
| 00:04 - 00:05 | We have results coming in |
| 00:05 - 00:07 | from Queens and Staten Island |
| 00:08 - 00:12 | We expect results from the Bronx and Mahnattan very soon |
| 00:12 - 00:15 | But of course our main worry are the hipsters in Brooklyn. |
| 00:17 - 00:19 | No problem there, because |
| 00:19 - 00:21 | the Jews won't vote for him. |
| 00:24 - 00:26 | Governor... |
| 00:27 - 00:28 | The Jews... |
| 00:31 - 00:33 | The Jews won't vote for you either, because |
| 00:34 - 00:36 | you killed their grandparents. |
| 00:53 - 00:58 | If your grandparents died in a nursing home, you may leave. |
| 01:13 - 01:15 | That was a MISTAKE! |
| 01:15 - 01:17 | An understandable mistake! |
| 01:18 - 01:23 | The CDC guidelines were direct and unequivocal |
| 01:25 - 01:28 | oh, why did I ever trust them... |
| 01:29 - 01:31 | They'd be dead by now anyway! |
| 01:31 - 01:34 | It's obvious now what all of this is |
| 01:34 - 01:37 | a vast conspiracy engineered to prevent me |
| 01:37 - 01:40 | fulfilling my destiny to become President! |
| 01:40 - 01:42 | Governor, the pandemic wasn't a conspiracy, I knew people who were-- |
| 01:42 - 01:46 | It was a SCAMdemic, and you "know" what they TOLD you! |
| 01:46 - 01:48 | Governor, you had it yourself! |
| 01:48 - 01:52 | You blithering idiot, you really fell for that? |
| 01:53 - 01:54 | I faked it! |
| 01:56 - 01:57 | If I had to sit through one more |
| 01:57 - 02:00 | Zoom meeting where everyone's wearing masks |
| 02:00 - 02:03 | I'd have checked myself into a nursing home. |
| 02:04 - 02:08 | yeah, the whole 6-feet social distancing thing |
| 02:08 - 02:13 | it has absolutely no basis in medical science, and all it did |
| 02:14 - 02:16 | is make it impossible for me |
| 02:17 - 02:21 | to fondle all those hot interns walking around the office! |
| 02:27 - 02:29 | They used to love me in Albany |
| 02:30 - 02:34 | Ask my brother Chris, I was the Anti-Trump! |
| 02:34 - 02:36 | Then, in an instant, it's over |
| 02:41 - 02:42 | For what? |
| 02:43 - 02:47 | It's not my fault that I'm Italian, and I'm affectionate! |
| 02:48 - 02:53 | It is a well-established aspect of our culture |
| 02:54 - 02:56 | along with our preference for blondes |
| 02:56 - 02:59 | but use a little tongue in a friendly kiss |
| 03:00 - 03:02 | and you're labeled a lecherous brute! |
| 03:04 - 03:07 | it's okay Anna, could be any of us |
| 03:14 - 03:16 | I recall what my dad told me |
| 03:19 - 03:23 | He said, you could do what I have done |
| 03:25 - 03:26 | or even more! |
| 03:31 - 03:33 | But this, you must promise |
| 03:40 - 03:46 | You must tear down the Tappan Zee bridge, buid a replacement |
| 03:46 - 03:49 | and name the new one after me. |
| 03:53 - 03:56 | at least I got that done. |
