| 00:00 - 00:03 | Austin Petersen is rallying conservative-leaning libertarians. |
| 00:04 - 00:05 | John McAfee approaches from the east at the head of his Cyber Army. |
| 00:05 - 00:07 | Meanwhile Darry W. Perry is already on the outskirts of Orlando leading the libertarian wing of the Libertarian Party. |
| 00:08 - 00:12 | It appears the nomination is lost. |
| 00:12 - 00:15 | Perhaps charging delegates $20 extra to watch the convention debate will delay our inevitable collapse. |
| 00:17 - 00:19 | Who are these people? I am the presumptive nominee. |
| 00:19 - 00:21 | Just tell the LP to ignore those other guys. |
| 00:24 - 00:26 | Governor Johnson ... |
| 00:27 - 00:28 | The LP ... |
| 00:31 - 00:33 | You don't get to just waltz in and pick up the nomination like you did last time. |
| 00:34 - 00:36 | The LP actually has a process. |
| 00:53 - 00:58 | Clear the room of all the fans who don't know that I lied to the LP about my campaign debt last time. |
| 01:13 - 01:15 | What the blue fuck?!? |
| 01:15 - 01:17 | Why should I have to actually campaign? |
| 01:18 - 01:23 | I never have before! |
| 01:25 - 01:28 | Send Nielson some more money ... |
| 01:29 - 01:31 | See if we can weasel out of the RT debate! |
| 01:31 - 01:34 | I am so tired of being expected to actually work for things. |
| 01:34 - 01:37 | Don't these people know that I was a GOVERNOR? |
| 01:37 - 01:40 | So what if I more than doubled New Mexico's state debt giving the Kochs sweetheart highway contracts? |
| 01:40 - 01:42 | Maybe you should have pardoned some nonviolent drug prisoners ... |
| 01:42 - 01:46 | STFU! The purpose of the people of New Mexico was to serve my ambitions, not to expect me to follow through! |
| 01:46 - 01:48 | Governor Johnson, what if your supporters hear you talking like this? |
| 01:48 - 01:52 | Fuck my supporters! Their purpose is to write checks, not ask questions. |
| 01:53 - 01:54 | Don't they know I was on Cavuto? |
| 01:56 - 01:57 | Rachel Maddow even acknowledged my existence once. |
| 01:57 - 02:00 | Sure, she smirked all the way through it |
| 02:00 - 02:03 | But I coulda been somebody! |
| 02:04 - 02:08 | I coulda been a contender! |
| 02:08 - 02:13 | Instead these goddamn Libertarians want me to defend my record. The nerve! |
| 02:14 - 02:16 | It's like they think they're a political party and not just my personal piggy bank. |
| 02:17 - 02:21 | Go kick the shit out of Andy Craig. That will make me feel better. |
| 02:27 - 02:29 | Does anyone have a joint? |
| 02:30 - 02:34 | Even some edibles, or maybe a hi lozenge would do. |
| 02:34 - 02:36 | I need to get high and ride my bicycle. |
| 02:41 - 02:42 | Have we told them I climbed a bunch of mountains? |
| 02:43 - 02:47 | Or that I'm a triathlete? Libertarians are supposed to love manly men. |
| 02:48 - 02:53 | Especially manly men who claim to be famous. |
| 02:54 - 02:56 | But no, these people actually expect principles all of a sudden. |
| 02:56 - 02:59 | Where were their principles in 2008 when Barr conned them into nominating him? |
| 03:00 - 03:02 | How come he got over and I can't? |
| 03:04 - 03:07 | Gullible is written on the ceiling. |
| 03:14 - 03:16 | Maybe Cannabis Sativa, Inc. will take me back. |
| 03:19 - 03:23 | Or maybe one of those hotel booking web sites will hire me to do commercials. |
| 03:25 - 03:26 | I have that vaguely famous look about me. |
| 03:31 - 03:33 | Like the Trivago dude. |
| 03:40 - 03:46 | Where's that joint I asked for? |
| 03:46 - 03:49 | Let's just get baked. |
| 03:53 - 03:56 | Maybe watch some Spongebob. |
