| 00:00 - 00:03 | Two years of investigations, |
| 00:04 - 00:05 | $30 million cost to the taxpayer, |
| 00:05 - 00:07 | Mueller has issued his report |
| 00:08 - 00:12 | Congress unanimously voted to make the report public. |
| 00:12 - 00:15 | A summary has been issued. |
| 00:17 - 00:19 | And we start impeachment |
| 00:19 - 00:21 | proceedings in what two, three days. |
| 00:24 - 00:26 | Sir, |
| 00:27 - 00:28 | the report contains... |
| 00:31 - 00:33 | the report contains jack fucking squat. |
| 00:34 - 00:36 | A fortune cookie has more damning information. |
| 00:53 - 00:58 | The following will remain- Pelosi, Schumer, Pocahontas, er whatever her name is. |
| 01:13 - 01:15 | For crying out loud, you were supposed |
| 01:15 - 01:17 | to find something, anything. |
| 01:18 - 01:23 | The man fucked a porn star, cheats on his taxes, |
| 01:25 - 01:28 | he pees on prostitutes, |
| 01:29 - 01:31 | grabs women by their special places, |
| 01:31 - 01:34 | doesn't rent to black people, |
| 01:34 - 01:37 | bans Muslims, can't complete a sentence. |
| 01:37 - 01:40 | And that wall?! |
| 01:40 - 01:42 | He will be defeated in 2020. The polls show |
| 01:42 - 01:46 | The polls, you moron? The same ones that predicted President Hillary? |
| 01:46 - 01:48 | Our allies at MSN and CNN will come through |
| 01:48 - 01:52 | MSN and CNN? They are as competent as the Italian military. |
| 01:53 - 01:54 | We even won the popular vote. |
| 01:56 - 01:57 | We had 2020 in our pocket. |
| 01:57 - 02:00 | Just sit back and let Republicans screw up everything. |
| 02:00 - 02:03 | We have mass shootings on our side |
| 02:04 - 02:08 | Those alt-right idiots making us look noble |
| 02:08 - 02:13 | The late night shows, college campuses, his own party hates him for crying out loud. |
| 02:14 - 02:16 | Alec Baldwin, all those useless Hollywood fluffs |
| 02:17 - 02:21 | That Rachel Meddows dude, he gets booed outside his own building. |
| 02:27 - 02:29 | His fucking Tweet account. |
| 02:30 - 02:34 | All's we had to do was sit back and |
| 02:34 - 02:36 | watch him self-destruct. |
| 02:41 - 02:42 | His own supporters even hate him. |
| 02:43 - 02:47 | Now our party is being taken over by Bernie Sanders and that bartender chick. |
| 02:48 - 02:53 | She makes Dan Quayle look like the president of MENSA. |
| 02:54 - 02:56 | 'Unemployment is low because everyone has two jobs.' |
| 02:56 - 02:59 | Are you kidding me? She's going to send everyone |
| 03:00 - 03:02 | running for the right in 2020. |
| 03:04 - 03:07 | Don't worry. The future is female. |
| 03:14 - 03:16 | Nobody wants a Green New Deal. |
| 03:19 - 03:23 | I fucking love my SUV. We can always ask Hillary to run again. |
| 03:25 - 03:26 | Right? |
| 03:31 - 03:33 | Joe Biden isn't doing anything. |
| 03:40 - 03:46 | We could always sue to get his tax returns. I mean there's no law. |
| 03:46 - 03:49 | It's a tradition, kind of like when the president pardons a turkey. |
| 03:53 - 03:56 | That should get us through the next two years. |
