| 00:00 - 00:03 | The preparations for Operation Rachel's Birthday are nearly complete. |
| 00:04 - 00:05 | We have stationed mansion-sized bounce houses |
| 00:05 - 00:07 | at these locations. |
| 00:08 - 00:12 | The 26.2 mile Slip and Slide is operational. |
| 00:12 - 00:15 | And the Ball Pit the Size of Detroit is nearly full of balls. |
| 00:17 - 00:19 | I can't wait to see Rachel's face |
| 00:19 - 00:21 | When Synyster Gates takes the stage for her birthday concert. |
| 00:24 - 00:26 | Mein Führer... |
| 00:27 - 00:28 | Synyster... |
| 00:31 - 00:33 | Synyster Gates was already booked for a previous engagement. |
| 00:34 - 00:36 | Avenged Sevenfold album release today. |
| 00:53 - 00:58 | Everyone attending the Avenged Sevenfold album release, leave the room. |
| 01:13 - 01:15 | What the fucking fuck? |
| 01:15 - 01:17 | This party is my birthday gift to Rachel! |
| 01:18 - 01:23 | I'm afraid to ask what else you've arranged. |
| 01:25 - 01:28 | Twerking strippers. |
| 01:29 - 01:31 | Probably wearing teddy bear leotards. |
| 01:31 - 01:34 | You're busy playing Candy Crush Saga |
| 01:34 - 01:37 | You don't realize your iPhone is also a communication device. |
| 01:37 - 01:40 | And now we have no music! |
| 01:40 - 01:42 | My Führer, we got Keith Richards in Synyster's place... |
| 01:42 - 01:46 | Keith Richards? He steals plasma from Iggy Pop! |
| 01:46 - 01:48 | My Führer, my research said girls love him. |
| 01:48 - 01:52 | Research? From a stone tablet from the 15th century? |
| 01:53 - 01:54 | He's older than my grandmother! |
| 01:56 - 01:57 | He probably snorted his grandmother. |
| 01:57 - 02:03 | Rachel will see him and cry. I'd cry myself if I weren't so damn mad. |
| 02:04 - 02:08 | I spelled it out on the party rider. Best party ever. Synyster Gates. No kids. |
| 02:08 - 02:13 | Riding ponies. Nothing scary. No clowns. And you idiots... |
| 02:14 - 02:16 | ...bring me Keith Richards. |
| 02:17 - 02:21 | Why didn't you just call Tim Curry and have him bring his Pennywise suit? |
| 02:27 - 02:29 | This is such complete bullshit. |
| 02:30 - 02:34 | I even had tee shirts made. Rachel's said "Birthday Girl." |
| 02:34 - 02:36 | Syn's said "Birthday Gift." |
| 02:41 - 02:42 | Keith Richards. |
| 02:43 - 02:47 | Sinew and gristle; there's not enough meat on him to make "Birthday Jerky." |
| 02:48 - 02:53 | This party will be as much fun as fixing grandmother's computer at Thanksgiving. |
| 02:54 - 02:56 | At least I can hug my grandmother |
| 02:56 - 02:59 | And she doesn't smell like burning hair and cat pee. |
| 03:00 - 03:02 | At this point we might as well cancel the party and play Rift. |
| 03:04 - 03:07 | Don't cry, I'm sure he doesn't mean it. |
| 03:14 - 03:16 | This is going to be the worst party ever. |
| 03:19 - 03:23 | I suppose I can give her my Rammstein box set. |
| 03:25 - 03:26 | I will miss it so. |
| 03:31 - 03:33 | And the Till "part" has been missing for weeks. |
| 03:40 - 03:46 | Meanwhile, do something with Keith Richards. |
| 03:46 - 03:49 | I don't want that guy in my bunker. |
| 03:53 - 03:56 | Gives me nightmares. |
