| 00:00 - 00:05 | . |
| 00:05 - 00:07 | What do building surveyors actually do in Australia? |
| 00:07 - 00:10 | . |
| 00:11 - 00:16 | . |
| 00:17 - 00:21 | Ahh mate… I asked the same thing when I built my pergola |
| 00:21 - 00:24 | . |
| 00:29 - 00:31 | . |
| 00:31 - 00:34 | They showed up with a clipboard, a vest, and more paperwork than Centrelink. |
| 00:38 - 00:40 | . |
| 00:41 - 00:47 | Looked around for 2 minutes and said, |
| 00:47 - 00:50 | "This beam needs a structural certificate... for shade cloth." |
| 00:50 - 00:56 | I said, “It’s a backyard awning, not a f**ing bridge!”* |
| 00:58 - 00:59 | Then they sent an invoice for $600… to tell me to move it 5cm left. |
| 00:59 - 01:01 | . |
| 01:04 - 01:06 | . |
| 01:06 - 01:08 | . |
| 01:13 - 01:14 | . |
| 01:14 - 01:16 | I asked if I could keep building. |
| 01:16 - 01:20 | He said, “Not until you submit a Bushfire Attack Level assessment.” |
| 01:21 - 01:27 | Then he said, “You’ll also need a second inspection before painting.” |
| 01:35 - 01:36 | It’s a COLORBOND roof! What do you think I’m painting — the wind? |
| 01:36 - 01:39 | . |
| 01:41 - 01:44 | . |
| 01:44 - 01:47 | By the time we got the final occupancy certificate, |
| 01:47 - 01:49 | my dog had turned 12, the builder had retired, |
| 01:50 - 01:53 | and my shed was heritage-listed. |
| 01:54 - 01:56 | . |
| 01:56 - 01:58 | . |
| 01:58 - 02:02 | But hey… at least it’s “compliant.” |
| 02:05 - 02:07 | Just don’t sneeze too loud — it might trigger another audit. |
| 02:10 - 02:11 | . |
| 02:11 - 02:13 | . |
| 02:15 - 02:17 | Then I asked him, “Have you ever actually built anything?” |
| 02:17 - 02:20 | He said, “No, but I did a Cert IV in Compliance.” |
| 02:21 - 02:28 | My dog did puppy preschool! |
| 02:29 - 02:30 | Does that mean he can sign off my garage?! |
| 02:30 - 02:32 | He told me the handrail was 2mm too short. |
| 02:36 - 02:39 | I thought it was a joke. |
| 02:40 - 02:42 | He pulled out a $5,000 scanner... |
| 02:50 - 02:55 | .to inspect a timber step I built with leftover decking boards! |
| 02:56 - 02:58 | Did he call you the next day? |
| 02:58 - 03:04 | he said the site was “non-compliant with passive surveillance principles.” |
| 03:04 - 03:09 | I said, “Mate, I’m not building a prison! It’s a f***ing patio!” |
| 03:09 - 03:11 | They delayed final sign-off for eight weeks. |
| 03:16 - 03:20 | Because I didn’t submit a glazing certificate... |
| 03:23 - 03:26 | FOR A SECOND-HAND LOUVRE WINDOW I FOUND ON FACEBOOK MARKETPLACE |
| 03:31 - 03:36 | He said, “We’ll need to keep your file open for potential follow-up compliance checks.” |
