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The Brentford FC Boadroom
Matthew Benham's advisers get a dressing down

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00:00 - 00:03So...Midtyjlland are top of the league again
00:04 - 00:05We've collected all the data from the German leagues
00:05 - 00:07and we're concentrating on the teams around Berlin
00:08 - 00:12There's a ton of underrated sides there
00:12 - 00:15We've found another gem like Tim Sparv at Furth
00:17 - 00:19That's great lads but what about Brentford?
00:19 - 00:21How's it going?
00:24 - 00:26Matthew...
00:27 - 00:28We're 19th...
00:31 - 00:33The back four is fucking useless
00:34 - 00:36This data nerd signed a defender called Bellend
00:53 - 00:58Anyone who didn't know about this can leave the room
01:13 - 01:15I sacked Warbs for this?
01:15 - 01:17You all told me to fucking do this
01:18 - 01:23All because of this fucking expected goals shit
01:25 - 01:28You've made me look a right cunt
01:29 - 01:31That twat John Cross is pissing himself
01:31 - 01:34'Brentford's boffins have worked out that the statistics
01:34 - 01:37haven't really worked.' The fucking wanker
01:37 - 01:40And Warbs is winning the league with Rangers now!
01:40 - 01:42Matthew, it's early in the season. The sample size is small!
01:42 - 01:46A small sample size? Try telling that to the fucking media!
01:46 - 01:48Matthew, our numbers aren't that bad
01:48 - 01:52You can shove your numbers up your arse
01:53 - 01:54You people and your algorythms
01:56 - 01:57I've spent a fucking fortune
01:57 - 02:00And the best you can come up with is some fella called Bellend
02:00 - 02:03And the prick is injured and out for the season!
02:04 - 02:08They're all injured. Dropping like Rooney's keks in an old brass only brothel
02:08 - 02:13Talking to me about total shots ratio, radars and PDO. Scoring percentage
02:14 - 02:16and fucking R-E-G-R-E-S-S-I-O-N
02:17 - 02:21I'm supposed to be the Billy Beane of fucking football not Damien Commolli
02:27 - 02:29So what will you have me do now?
02:30 - 02:34Hire another set piece coach and play long ball football??
02:34 - 02:36Pump it in to the big man?
02:41 - 02:42I'm making Tony Fernandes look like a genius
02:43 - 02:47We've signed more players than Harry fucking Redknapp
02:48 - 02:53Even the Liverpool transfer committee look better than us
02:54 - 02:56And they spent 10m on Simon Mignolet
02:56 - 02:5920m on Lallana and 20m on Dejan Lovren
03:00 - 03:0220m on Markovic, Illori, Assaidi and Aspas!
03:04 - 03:07Don't worry. They'll get Kenny back soon.
03:14 - 03:16That's it. Close down your servers
03:19 - 03:23Delete all your spreadsheets, wipe the entire database
03:25 - 03:26No more leaning on goalposts
03:31 - 03:33The numbers game is lost.
03:40 - 03:46I thought we were being clever fuckers but you can't beat a pair of eyes or measure the size of someone's heart
03:46 - 03:49Unless you cut it out and whack it on some scales
03:53 - 03:56Get me Lee Carsley on the phone.