| 00:00 - 00:03 | Prime Minister May, the exit polls have come in |
| 00:04 - 00:05 | they are not as we expected |
| 00:05 - 00:07 | and we should prepare ourselves |
| 00:08 - 00:12 | for some disappointment |
| 00:12 - 00:15 | as we may lose outer London seats and not gain seats in Wales |
| 00:17 - 00:19 | What about Wales then |
| 00:19 - 00:21 | They seem to hate foreigners now. |
| 00:24 - 00:26 | Prime Minister |
| 00:27 - 00:28 | We have.... |
| 00:31 - 00:33 | We've just lost the Vale of Clwyd.... |
| 00:34 - 00:36 | ...and Battersea |
| 00:53 - 00:58 | OK, everybody out except Crosby, Timothy and Larry the Cat |
| 01:13 - 01:15 | This is a joke |
| 01:15 - 01:17 | An absolute fucking joke |
| 01:18 - 01:23 | You told me all I had to do was keep repeating "strong and stable" |
| 01:25 - 01:28 | and that communist Corbyn would do the rest... |
| 01:29 - 01:31 | "Hug Abu Hamza" or "nationalise Nandos" or something |
| 01:31 - 01:34 | But he talked about getting more police |
| 01:34 - 01:37 | We just needed to win this and we couldve banned poor people from voting and ruled the country forever.? |
| 01:37 - 01:40 | You told me if I said Id run through a wheat field people would think I was more relateable ? |
| 01:40 - 01:42 | But it tested well with the over 65s and... |
| 01:42 - 01:46 | I sounded about as relatable as John fucking Redwood. |
| 01:46 - 01:48 | ...the shoes anecdote really was popular though |
| 01:48 - 01:52 | Yes but I made it up, you know I never talk to strangers |
| 01:53 - 01:54 | I hate the general public |
| 01:56 - 01:57 | They come to my surgeries with their tiny problems |
| 01:57 - 02:00 | "My child has cancer and you closed the hospital" |
| 02:00 - 02:03 | or "You deported my cat because it had funny eyes" |
| 02:04 - 02:08 | as if I'm capable of human emotions and am supposed to "care" |
| 02:08 - 02:13 | Has no one worked out from my 6 years as Home Secretary |
| 02:14 - 02:16 | that I've been trying to kill as many people as possible |
| 02:17 - 02:21 | because Britain is fundamentally better without any human life at all |
| 02:27 - 02:29 | Maybe I'm the only true Conservative left |
| 02:30 - 02:34 | maybe you've all forgotten your vow: "kill the poor" |
| 02:34 - 02:36 | "Kill the poor and keep house prices up" |
| 02:41 - 02:42 | Just me and Peter Bone then... |
| 02:43 - 02:47 | And that prick Osborne is laughing at us from one of his six jobs right now |
| 02:48 - 02:53 | and I'm going to have to resign |
| 02:54 - 02:56 | and some idiot like Gove will take over |
| 02:56 - 02:59 | and he locked himself in the stationery cupboard and had to be rescued |
| 03:00 - 03:02 | he's completely helpless |
| 03:04 - 03:07 | Leadsom is on her way in, but we have cyanide |
| 03:14 - 03:16 | we should've used meme magic |
| 03:19 - 03:23 | if enough people had shared that meme of me as Pepe as a concentration camp guard |
| 03:25 - 03:26 | we would've won |
| 03:31 - 03:33 | we've fucked it royally |
| 03:40 - 03:46 | At least I'll be able to get back to my hobby of making sculptures out of children's skeletons |
| 03:46 - 03:49 | I've nearly finished "British summertime" |
| 03:53 - 03:56 | one day I'll have an exhibition... |
