| 00:00 - 00:05 | So I got this call from a Police Department in Kansas. They wanted me to design a new records database. |
| 00:05 - 00:07 | I don't know anything about programming computers! |
| 00:07 - 00:10 | But they wanted to pay me money! |
| 00:11 - 00:16 | And why would I pass up a chance to make some cash? |
| 00:17 - 00:21 | But then they told me how much.. millions of dollars! |
| 00:21 - 00:24 | Dude? Millions? |
| 00:26 - 00:28 | To do something I don't understand? |
| 00:29 - 00:31 | Sure! Why not! |
| 00:31 - 00:34 | I'll write you a records database! |
| 00:38 - 00:40 | <<laughing>> Can you believe it? |
| 00:41 - 00:47 | So I came up with a name.. I called it "Spillman" |
| 00:47 - 00:50 | Did I tell you I don't know anything about programming? |
| 00:50 - 00:56 | And they wanted to pay me to do it? |
| 00:58 - 00:59 | The best thing is.. |
| 00:59 - 01:01 | ..they had a program that worked fine! |
| 01:04 - 01:06 | And they paid me to write something that sucks! |
| 01:06 - 01:08 | The rubes! |
| 01:13 - 01:14 | Me? A programmer!?! |
| 01:14 - 01:16 | So this program I wrote... |
| 01:16 - 01:20 | It takes them 30 minutes to put a piece of evidence in.. when it used to take five! |
| 01:21 - 01:27 | They had to double the number of people in evidence just to handle the work! |
| 01:35 - 01:36 | Suckers! |
| 01:36 - 01:39 | So the best thing is this. |
| 01:41 - 01:44 | Every so often, I take the whole system offline. |
| 01:44 - 01:47 | I know, right? How can a Police Department working 24 hrs a day.. |
| 01:47 - 01:49 | ..just shut down? |
| 01:50 - 01:53 | I don't care, I just do it! |
| 01:54 - 01:56 | And they still pay me! |
| 01:56 - 01:58 | It gets better. |
| 01:58 - 02:02 | If they don't keep paying, I just shut them down more. |
| 02:05 - 02:07 | Can you believe it?? |
| 02:10 - 02:11 | <<laughing>> |
| 02:11 - 02:13 | They should charge me with Theft |
| 02:15 - 02:17 | But they would have to spend.. |
| 02:17 - 02:20 | ..all day just to input the crime into my system!! |
| 02:21 - 02:28 | I have practically shut down the whole place.. and they paid me to do it!! |
| 02:29 - 02:30 | And they still pay? |
| 02:30 - 02:32 | They still pay! |
| 02:36 - 02:39 | You should see what they have to do.. |
| 02:40 - 02:42 | ..just to get a person entered into the database! |
| 02:50 - 02:55 | It takes forever.. and that's only if I don't shut it down while they're working! |
| 02:56 - 02:58 | Nobody there knows how to work it. |
| 02:58 - 03:04 | They're blaming the employees for not learning it.. |
| 03:04 - 03:09 | ..but how can they learn it? It's broke!!! |
| 03:09 - 03:11 | Oh man, it makes me cry. |
| 03:16 - 03:20 | Until I realize how much I get paid. |
| 03:23 - 03:26 | I got paid for this piece of crap! |
| 03:31 - 03:36 | I'm not even a programmer! |
