A day in the life
5 views9/21/2026
Who'd be a CISO? Stopping to stop a 17 monkey shit-flinging fight is easier than managing these problems.
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| 00:00 - 00:03 | We've got new Memorandums of Understanding |
| 00:04 - 00:05 | with data centres here, |
| 00:05 - 00:07 | here, and here. |
| 00:08 - 00:12 | With the additional GPU capacity we can roll out |
| 00:12 - 00:15 | and the existing sites here, we can meet new demand for 3 months. |
| 00:17 - 00:19 | I assume that all of the |
| 00:19 - 00:21 | architectural design decisions are still valid? |
| 00:24 - 00:26 | Our scheduler wasn't designed |
| 00:27 - 00:28 | for this scale. |
| 00:31 - 00:33 | We're rewriting the whole |
| 00:34 - 00:36 | public API suite. |
| 00:53 - 00:58 | If you don't know where our Risk Register is on the Sharepoint you can leave |
| 01:13 - 01:15 | I wish for one fucking month |
| 01:15 - 01:17 | the attack surface could remain static |
| 01:18 - 01:23 | Let me get a grip on our security posture |
| 01:25 - 01:28 | A coherent design |
| 01:29 - 01:31 | Not these devops monkeys |
| 01:31 - 01:34 | cuck-coding their way to glory! |
| 01:34 - 01:37 | I can't write risk treatments |
| 01:37 - 01:40 | faster than these cunts rip and replace platforms |
| 01:40 - 01:42 | This bloated enterprise nonsense slows us down |
| 01:42 - 01:46 | This bloated enterprise nonsense keeps you safe! |
| 01:46 - 01:48 | Competitors will eat our lunch |
| 01:48 - 01:52 | Our competition are insider trading gooners |
| 01:53 - 01:54 | You twats have no idea what fills my day. |
| 01:56 - 01:57 | I have to figure out how to keep |
| 01:57 - 02:00 | our customers from hacking each other. |
| 02:00 - 02:03 | Meanwhile, you chucklefucks use the same password across |
| 02:04 - 02:08 | entire management planes. The blast radius of |
| 02:08 - 02:13 | of one popped host |
| 02:14 - 02:16 | is our entire business. |
| 02:17 - 02:21 | That's before I start on privilege management, |
| 02:27 - 02:29 | secure deletion of customer data, |
| 02:30 - 02:34 | supply chain security, hardware provenance, |
| 02:34 - 02:36 | geographic concentration, |
| 02:41 - 02:42 | DDoSing kiddies, |
| 02:43 - 02:47 | employees mining crypto on our shit, |
| 02:48 - 02:53 | and South Australians having keys to our racks. |
| 02:54 - 02:56 | Patching management, |
| 02:56 - 02:59 | vulnerability management, |
| 03:00 - 03:02 | and paying auditors to penetrate us. |
| 03:04 - 03:07 | Not that kind of penetrate |
| 03:14 - 03:16 | And then you want me to systematise |
| 03:19 - 03:23 | all that so that we can attain |
| 03:25 - 03:26 | ISO27001 |
| 03:31 - 03:33 | This is why I drink |
| 03:40 - 03:46 | If you smooth brains bring me one more problem today |
| 03:46 - 03:49 | just cut me up |
| 03:53 - 03:56 | and feed me to the peacocks |