Jan-Henric Buettner vs. Wadim Rosenstein vs. Timur Turlov (FIDE elections parody edition)
19 views8/19/2026
Jan-Henric is having a meltdown after learning about how FIDE elections are truly won or lost.
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| 00:00 - 00:03 | Numbers from the European delegates are not what we projected. |
| 00:04 - 00:05 | Zurab won ECU, and nobody from his delegates will vote for us |
| 00:05 - 00:07 | They most likely don't want to buy Weissenhaus either |
| 00:08 - 00:12 | Although we put it on the market immediately after the first Freestyle event in 2024 |
| 00:12 - 00:15 | Also players call our Freestyle events "easy money" to play on Whatsapp |
| 00:17 - 00:19 | What do you mean not what we projected? I built an entire commercial rights empire! |
| 00:19 - 00:21 | My deputy running mate has organized the London Chess Classic for years. |
| 00:24 - 00:27 | Sir, Wadim Rosenstein and Gordon Tang's net worth has a few more zeros at the end... |
| 00:27 - 00:30 | And Turlov is washing money in Belize, soon he will open a laundromat to expand business operations |
| 00:31 - 00:33 | They call it the Freedom Clean Books LLC and you can pay in rubles for its services |
| 00:34 - 00:36 | Turlov and Filatov ordered Kirsan to stand down, we have no chance in the election. |
| 00:53 - 00:58 | You are telling me Filatov and Igor Kogan are pulling all the strings in the election, like for ECU? |
| 01:12 - 01:15 | Even my junior PR people can write better AI slop than Turlov's staffers. |
| 01:15 - 01:17 | Why is Turlov on the free plan? I will give him access to Claude Pro Max if he buys Weissenhaus. |
| 01:18 - 01:24 | Turlov thinks his Freedom and ICSF entities can buy votes when all his texts sound pathetic? |
| 01:25 - 01:28 | He thinks he can buy 203 federations like they're a crypto portfolio! |
| 01:29 - 01:31 | Turlov's best achievement is that he is more loved than Borat in Kazakhstan. |
| 01:31 - 01:34 | Americans took 10 million for a 5-day event in Las Vegas, then backed out. |
| 01:34 - 01:37 | Where is the Asian federations' endorsement? Ignatius Leong left my Whatsapp message on seen. |
| 01:37 - 01:40 | He lets Rosenstein organize a women-only event in Tokyo |
| 01:40 - 01:42 | Actually sir, delegates are saying his hospitality suite in Samarkand is quite— |
| 01:42 - 01:46 | I DON'T CARE ABOUT THE HOSPITALITY SUITE! Get me some nice bottles of whisky to give! |
| 01:46 - 01:48 | Zone 3 and 4 are... still counting how many federations exist that owe someone a favor, sir. |
| 01:48 - 01:52 | I had a plan. I didn't understand 960 and Fischer Random sounded like medicine. |
| 01:53 - 01:55 | Now only Peter Heine Nielsen thinks that there's anything good about it. And I don't pay him even. |
| 01:56 - 01:57 | I have "professionalized commercial activities." A THIRTY-YEAR CAREER in business. |
| 01:57 - 02:00 | Now a 26-year old with a Ring light and a good webcam can influence all the incels on Twitch |
| 02:00 - 02:03 | If you're a good-looking girl and your Elo is 600 you will attract more subscribers. |
| 02:04 - 02:08 | I told Holly that if she doesn't stream on Twitch we will soon be left without money! |
| 02:08 - 02:13 | She doesn't know "en passant" and once wrote a support ticket to Chess.com for "illegal move" |
| 02:14 - 02:16 | I could have spent my days on a Carribean beach and yachts, but instead I wanted to invest in chess. |
| 02:17 - 02:21 | Whoever convinced me to run in this election should never have a job in the chess world again... |
| 02:27 - 02:29 | I tried to meet with Igor Kogan in Cyprus to convince him Turlov is bad. |
| 02:30 - 02:34 | He said "Jan, would you like some Polonium tea or do some sightseeing from the window?" |
| 02:34 - 02:36 | "This is how we have been winning elections since Campomanes in 1982 and then Kirsan." |
| 02:41 - 02:42 | "Do you really think this was a real election, Jan?" |
| 02:43 - 02:47 | They are even investigating Arkady at home now. He is expendable once he lost power! |
| 02:48 - 02:53 | You'd think that maybe Vishy Anand would tell Turlov to stop doing Russia's bidding. |
| 02:54 - 02:56 | But Anand has been bought too. There is no winning with these guys. |
| 02:56 - 02:59 | They want a ninety-second clip with a stupid reaction face! This is what chess is about. |
| 03:00 - 03:02 | I will GIVE them content. Get me in front of a camera with a chessboard and a golden retriever. |
| 03:04 - 03:07 | It's okay, it's something shareable on Instagram and Twitter. Something the algorithm respects. |
| 03:14 - 03:16 | Sir, the other two tickets already did that. Both of them. This week. |
| 03:19 - 03:23 | Get me a cat, then. A rarer animal. We need differentiation. |
| 03:25 - 03:26 | Get me the list of federations that haven't confirmed. |
| 03:31 - 03:33 | All of them. I don't care if it's a Tuesday in September, I want calls made. |
| 03:40 - 03:46 | Promise the guy from Seychelles an instant transfer of 3000 Euros. Tell him there's a nice mall. |
| 03:46 - 03:49 | Why is no one moving or saying anything? |
| 03:53 - 03:56 | Sir, it... it is September. In Samarkand. The Assembly is in two days. |