Hitler Loses Gettysburg Using Johnny Reb Wargaming Rules
97 views4/2/2026
US President Hitler rages upon hearing that the Battle of Gettysburg has been lost using Johnny Reb Wargaming rules.
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| 00:00 - 00:03 | Longstreet attacked our left yesterday. |
| 00:04 - 00:05 | The Fifth Corps held. |
| 00:05 - 00:07 | Rebs changed road signs. |
| 00:08 - 00:12 | Sedgwick got confused and marched to Baltimore. |
| 00:12 - 00:15 | He's still there. |
| 00:17 - 00:19 | Hancock will hold. |
| 00:19 - 00:21 | Sedgwick'll get there in time. |
| 00:24 - 00:26 | Sir, Pickett has charged Hancock this afternoon. |
| 00:27 - 00:28 | Hancock failed his morale check . |
| 00:31 - 00:33 | The whole Second Corps is captured. |
| 00:34 - 00:36 | Meade's headquarters was overrun, he was also captured. |
| 00:53 - 00:58 | Everyone who disgraced himself at Chancellorsville, leave the room. |
| 01:13 - 01:15 | How could this have happened? |
| 01:15 - 01:17 | A West Point General rolling snake eyes? |
| 01:18 - 01:23 | Any idiot can pass a fear of charge check with a fresh unit! |
| 01:25 - 01:28 | That redheaded bimbo of a stenographer could have rolled a three! |
| 01:29 - 01:31 | I had those general practicing die rolls ever day! |
| 01:31 - 01:34 | Hooker's terrible rolls at Chancellorsville should have taught them something! |
| 01:34 - 01:37 | I bet he's sitting in a bar right now rolling boxcars just to spite me. |
| 01:37 - 01:40 | All I ask is that they roll their snakeyes when they're off duty! |
| 01:40 - 01:42 | Sir, Hancock was using the loaded dice that you gave him! |
| 01:42 - 01:46 | That makes it even worse, you idiot! |
| 01:46 - 01:48 | Hancock couldn't help it that Pickett rolled all sixes for his charge distance! |
| 01:48 - 01:52 | Couldn't help it? He was supposed roll boxcars himself! |
| 01:53 - 01:54 | We're now the laughingstock of the whole world! |
| 01:56 - 01:57 | A cockup like this is unbearable! |
| 01:57 - 02:00 | What are the Richmond papers going to say to ridicule me? |
| 02:00 - 02:03 | What is that fancy Englishman on Seminary Ridge going to publish in his journal? |
| 02:04 - 02:08 | Tell the fleet to sail and bring back the cotton? |
| 02:08 - 02:13 | This ruins all of my plans! |
| 02:14 - 02:16 | We were destined to rule this whole continent for a thousand years! |
| 02:17 - 02:21 | I've been through all this before with McClellan! |
| 02:27 - 02:29 | He shatters them at Malvern Hill, |
| 02:30 - 02:34 | then has a subpar routs and rallies phase and runs away to his gunboats |
| 02:34 - 02:36 | where he sits down and screams for reinforcements! |
| 02:41 - 02:42 | And lets Lee run loose. |
| 02:43 - 02:47 | The Pinkertons tell us that when Lee is on the march, he never rolls disorder. |
| 02:48 - 02:53 | How far is it from Gettysburg to here? |
| 02:54 - 02:56 | The Sixth Corps is little help to us now! |
| 02:56 - 02:59 | For all I know, Sedgwick will be boarding ships for New York! |
| 03:00 - 03:02 | Lee will be marching down Pennsylvania Avenue with bands playing! |
| 03:04 - 03:07 | Don't worry Helga, he won't make you leave in a rowboat. |
| 03:14 - 03:16 | There must be a way out of this mess. |
| 03:19 - 03:23 | Is there anyone in the world who can simply roll dice? |
| 03:25 - 03:26 | Is there a Yahtzee world champion somewhere? |
| 03:31 - 03:33 | Maybe the champion can be persuaded to try Johnny Reb. |
| 03:40 - 03:46 | We can teach him Civil War tactics. |
| 03:46 - 03:49 | One of the secretaries must have his cellphone number. |
| 03:53 - 03:56 | Call him. |