| 00:00 - 00:03 | You're not listening Adolf |
| 00:04 - 00:05 | The hackers are in |
| 00:05 - 00:07 | The datacentre is gone |
| 00:08 - 00:12 | the hackers danced around our firewall |
| 00:12 - 00:15 | and deleted our entire environment |
| 00:17 - 00:19 | We had backups right ? |
| 00:19 - 00:21 | So we should be able to recover |
| 00:24 - 00:26 | Adolf, we've might not |
| 00:27 - 00:28 | have quite achieved |
| 00:31 - 00:33 | your backup and restore targets |
| 00:34 - 00:36 | the entire application stack is gone |
| 00:53 - 00:58 | Every except CISO, Ops lead and GRC manager and backup administrator… |
| 01:13 - 01:15 | WTF |
| 01:15 - 01:17 | are you cyber stooges telling me |
| 01:18 - 01:23 | You whined about budget so I went to the board for cash |
| 01:25 - 01:28 | and you did what with it ? |
| 01:29 - 01:31 | You pissed it away on new laptops to run Kali Linux |
| 01:31 - 01:34 | that none of you know how to use anyway |
| 01:34 - 01:37 | none of you would even know how to load Metasploit |
| 01:37 - 01:40 | let alone how to load an SMB exploit and bind it too a listener |
| 01:40 - 01:42 | Adolf, you knew we wanted to get our CREST certifications |
| 01:42 - 01:46 | You couldn't even complete your cyber awareness training! |
| 01:46 - 01:48 | You know how hard cyber is! |
| 01:48 - 01:52 | If you say one more thing I'm network isolating your computer |
| 01:53 - 01:54 | I tried to build a good team |
| 01:56 - 01:57 | I wanted a good cyber program |
| 01:57 - 02:00 | But I work with clowns … |
| 02:00 - 02:03 | I said the firewall isn't the perimeter anymore |
| 02:04 - 02:08 | Its all about MFA and identity boundaries |
| 02:08 - 02:13 | but all I heard was "Adolf, can we get some EDR?" |
| 02:14 - 02:16 | And what did we get? |
| 02:17 - 02:21 | Broken identity management and broken workflows |
| 02:27 - 02:29 | unworkable privileged access management |
| 02:30 - 02:34 | A library of unenforceable policies and standard |
| 02:34 - 02:36 | and to make it worse, incident response turns into an argument |
| 02:41 - 02:42 | I need my heart pills |
| 02:43 - 02:47 | Why did I even bother getting out of bed? |
| 02:48 - 02:53 | I took this job over the tech-sales job for IBM |
| 02:54 - 02:56 | I would have been rich, but oh no |
| 02:56 - 02:59 | I had to choose the noble path over cash |
| 03:00 - 03:02 | And now here I am, ageing early |
| 03:04 - 03:07 | It will be ok, he'll calm down when the rant is over. |
| 03:14 - 03:16 | I was on the fast track in the private sector |
| 03:19 - 03:23 | I could have been leading Google or Meta's security team by now |
| 03:25 - 03:26 | Massive share options bonuses |
| 03:31 - 03:33 | I'm going to have a heart attack in this job. |
| 03:40 - 03:46 | You should all rethink your career if you don't want to end up like me |
| 03:46 - 03:49 | Burnt out by 30 |
| 03:53 - 03:56 | <sad Hitler mumbling> |
