| 00:00 - 00:03 | Vice Chancellor, we have just received news of the REF results |
| 00:04 - 00:07 | As you can see, 84 per cent of our research is world leading or internationally excellent |
| 00:08 - 00:11 | This is seven per cent above the sector average and twice the level the University achieved in the previous REF Exercise |
| 00:11 - 00:16 | History and Sociology consolidated their positions at the top of the rankings, while Mathematics ranked in the top ten |
| 00:17 - 00:21 | Excellent! But what of the Government Department? |
| 00:24 - 00:25 | Vice Chancellor ... |
| 00:27 - 00:28 | I'm afraid ... |
| 00:31 - 00:33 | Government ranked 27th with a Grade Point Average of 2.9 |
| 00:34 - 00:38 | The panel judged the Department's submission to be theoretically impoverished |
| 00:53 - 00:58 | Anybody who's not in the Government Department, leave now |
| 01:13 - 01:14 | This is a FUCKING disaster!! |
| 01:15 - 01:17 | Everybody knows that I invested heavily in the department |
| 01:19 - 01:20 | Brand new buildings |
| 01:20 - 01:21 | Several professorial appointments |
| 01:21 - 01:22 | Graduate teaching assistants |
| 01:22 - 01:23 | All you can eat buffets |
| 01:25 - 01:28 | I even tucked the spousal hires into bed |
| 01:29 - 01:31 | You useless wankers!! |
| 01:31 - 01:34 | I gave you the moon on a fucking stick |
| 01:34 - 01:38 | My six-year-old son could have done better |
| 01:38 - 01:40 | And he doesn't know a fucking thing about politics |
| 01:40 - 01:42 | Vice Chancellor, feedback suggests the Department has become one dimensional |
| 01:42 - 01:46 | I don't want to hear some Marcuse horseshit |
| 01:46 - 01:48 | But Vice Chancellor, maybe they have a point |
| 01:48 - 01:52 | Shut the fuck up! I didn't appoint you PVC for Research to pontificate |
| 01:52 - 01:54 | ARSEHOLE! |
| 01:56 - 02:00 | Besides, what does THEORETICALLY IMPOVERISHED even mean? |
| 02:00 - 02:04 | Don't these fuckwits realise that we live in a world of big data? |
| 02:04 - 02:08 | We need political scientists, not some nambypamby theoreticians |
| 02:08 - 02:14 | Those fucking Marxists in Sociology will be pissing themselves with laughter |
| 02:14 - 02:17 | How I hate their theories of historical materialism |
| 02:17 - 02:23 | Surplus value and species being ... my fucking arse! |
| 02:27 - 02:30 | Why can't they accept that I am the absolute spirit of history? |
| 02:30 - 02:34 | I am the Alpha and Omega, the beginning and the end ... |
| 02:34 - 02:36 | the first and the last |
| 02:41 - 02:42 | Needless to say ... |
| 02:42 - 02:47 | the post-structuralists will see fit to deconstruct the results |
| 02:48 - 02:53 | They see the REF as nothing more than a fucking text |
| 02:54 - 02:56 | And the feminists are no better |
| 02:56 - 02:59 | Always questioning the rule of the father with their Freudian bullshit |
| 03:00 - 03:03 | How I long for the days when the University was a bastion for muscular social science |
| 03:05 - 03:07 | Don't cry. He's anally retarded |
| 03:14 - 03:17 | Perhaps the panel are right |
| 03:19 - 03:23 | Maybe the department does need some political theorists |
| 03:25 - 03:26 | Constructivists ... |
| 03:31 - 03:32 | A few ... |
| 03:32 - 03:34 | Feminists |
| 03:40 - 03:46 | We may even have to think about hiring some Marxists |
| 03:46 - 03:50 | And reviving the Centre for Political Economy |
| 03:54 - 03:55 | God help us! |
