00:00 - 00:03Vice Chancellor, we have just received news of the REF results
00:04 - 00:07As you can see, 84 per cent of our research is ‘world leading’ or ‘internationally excellent’
00:08 - 00:11This is seven per cent above the sector average and twice the level the University achieved in the previous REF Exercise
00:11 - 00:16History and Sociology consolidated their positions at the top of the rankings, while Mathematics ranked in the top ten
00:17 - 00:21Excellent! But what of the Government Department?
00:24 - 00:25Vice Chancellor ...
00:27 - 00:28I'm afraid ...
00:31 - 00:33Government ranked 27th with a Grade Point Average of 2.9
00:34 - 00:38The panel judged the Department's submission to be theoretically impoverished
00:53 - 00:58Anybody who's not in the Government Department, leave now
01:13 - 01:14This is a FUCKING disaster!!
01:15 - 01:17Everybody knows that I invested heavily in the department
01:19 - 01:20Brand new buildings
01:20 - 01:21Several professorial appointments
01:21 - 01:22Graduate teaching assistants
01:22 - 01:23All you can eat buffets
01:25 - 01:28I even tucked the spousal hires into bed
01:29 - 01:31You useless wankers!!
01:31 - 01:34I gave you the moon on a fucking stick
01:34 - 01:38My six-year-old son could have done better
01:38 - 01:40And he doesn't know a fucking thing about politics
01:40 - 01:42Vice Chancellor, feedback suggests the Department has become one dimensional
01:42 - 01:46I don't want to hear some Marcuse horseshit
01:46 - 01:48But Vice Chancellor, maybe they have a point
01:48 - 01:52Shut the fuck up! I didn't appoint you PVC for Research to pontificate
01:52 - 01:54ARSEHOLE!
01:56 - 02:00Besides, what does THEORETICALLY IMPOVERISHED even mean?
02:00 - 02:04Don't these fuckwits realise that we live in a world of big data?
02:04 - 02:08We need political scientists, not some namby–pamby theoreticians
02:08 - 02:14Those fucking Marxists in Sociology will be pissing themselves with laughter
02:14 - 02:17How I hate their theories of historical materialism
02:17 - 02:23Surplus value and species being ... my fucking arse!
02:27 - 02:30Why can't they accept that I am the absolute spirit of history?
02:30 - 02:34 I am the Alpha and Omega, the beginning and the end ...
02:34 - 02:36the first and the last
02:41 - 02:42Needless to say ...
02:42 - 02:47the post-structuralists will see fit to deconstruct the results
02:48 - 02:53They see the REF as nothing more than a fucking text
02:54 - 02:56And the feminists are no better
02:56 - 02:59Always questioning the rule of the father with their Freudian bullshit
03:00 - 03:03How I long for the days when the University was a bastion for muscular social science
03:05 - 03:07Don't cry. He's anally retarded
03:14 - 03:17Perhaps the panel are right
03:19 - 03:23Maybe the department does need some political theorists
03:25 - 03:26Constructivists ...
03:31 - 03:32A few ...
03:32 - 03:34Feminists
03:40 - 03:46We may even have to think about hiring some Marxists
03:46 - 03:50And reviving the Centre for Political Economy
03:54 - 03:55God help us!