00:00 - 00:05Hi, I'm Raquel. I am here with my daddy, the Miami kingpin, Tomas Regaldo
00:05 - 00:10We are going to talk about how he plans to overhaul the Miami Police Department with
00:10 - 00:15guns from drug dealers, by fighting violence with violence, as well as more pay cuts
00:15 - 00:20We also want to talk about, who you plan to fire after your election
00:20 - 00:25We also want to talk about all the criminals you have in the MPD command staff, and how you reward them.
00:25 - 00:30Some people are worried that with all the paycuts and corruption at the MPD, you may need to call in the National Gaurd and replace the Chief for the 3rd time u
00:30 - 00:32Regalado- You're right on target my sweety pie. Things couldn't be better.
00:32 - 00:34Tomasito- I want to make things better at the MPD. Our deputy chief is assembling a reserve
00:34 - 00:36program in which we can have Alpha 66 come in and fix crime. Since they are volunteers,
00:36 - 00:40they won't fall under the DOJ and we can just "suspend" them when they shoot someone by mistake.
00:40 - 00:42I also was telling the Chief that Alpha 66 is using sign language to speak in code.
00:42 - 00:47Placing your index finger like you're fingering your hand means and a%%hole is around the corner.
00:47 - 00:50If you leave your finger "fingering" your hand, that means he is a bad man.
00:50 - 00:55That is the best way to cut down chatter on the police radio. It's all about violence.
00:55 - 01:00That makes me happy because that way I have my own army of cuban ninjas.
01:00 - 01:03We are big in recycling too. All the police officers socks are donated by
01:03 - 01:08private homeless shelters. Yes, some of the sizes are off, but those lazy cops can make
01:08 - 01:13holes in the front of them where the fat toe goes and they will fit just fine.
01:13 - 01:18For example, if you need a new sock, you will just go see the Alpha 66 Sergeant,
01:18 - 01:22He will be known as the Director of the Ministry of Dilpaidated Uniforms.
01:22 - 01:25It is reported that some of the sock are stolen, but who better than our cops to use
01:25 - 01:28Some of the socks are as old as three years.I like to chew on them when
01:28 - 01:32they havent been washed in a few weeks.
01:32 - 01:35Raquelita- Well Dad, people are worried that all the miami cops are hauling to other
01:35 - 01:40departments. The MPD has beefed up recruitment and has spent alot of
01:40 - 01:45of money on advertisements.There is a sense that the MPD is going to disolve and
01:45 - 01:48that looters may take over city hall.
01:48 - 01:53Besides rambling about how great you are, what do you see happening with miami cops?
01:53 - 01:58How are you going to make your stepson Chief?
01:58 - 02:01What do you plan to do with the cuban mafia at the domino shop?
02:01 - 02:04How are cops going to surive?
02:04 - 02:06Tomasito- yeah. well those are some very good questions.Who the heck knows?
02:06 - 02:08Maybe we can have a bake sale and by some much needed equipment.
02:08 - 02:11In Cuba, I sold oranges to buy my first slingshot. Those types of weapons are
02:11 - 02:13good because you can't do much damage. When I say to use violence to fight violence, I am saying a things like "give him a noogie"
02:13 - 02:15I didn't mean for cops to set up a fake pizza delivery and kill robbers.
02:15 - 02:18That was just a big boo boo. And, anyway, Alpha 66 will take care of that.
02:18 - 02:20The vision for miami is to get my daughter elected to mayor, so the friends and family
02:20 - 02:23plan shall live forever. People like Nestor G will be the future of the banana republic.
02:23 - 02:28I want all my grandchildren and nieces to benefit from the maduro gravy train.
02:28 - 02:30Like my cousin Rupert says: The more bananas, the better.
02:30 - 02:33I will bitch slap anyone that gets in my way. And if they need to slapped around,
02:33 - 02:35ill slap them again
02:35 - 02:37and again
02:37 - 02:42Just like when i spanked Billy the Marlin at the commission meeting.
02:42 - 02:43It only costed us like $3 million dollars in lawsuits.
02:43 - 02:45It's all the Exposito's fault that you don't have slingshots.
02:45 - 02:50I may benefit, you may benefit. But billy the marlin sure as hell won't.
02:50 - 02:55So, uh the vision is to uhhh, scam and scam and then scam some more.
02:55 - 02:58I need people to come here and invest money.
02:58 - 03:03It doesn't matter if its in baseball, pastelitos, shoes, handguns, fireworks....As long as I don't have to work, I will approve it
03:03 - 03:07Maybe next year we can give free food to all the homeless if they vote for me.
03:07 - 03:09Maybe we can give away free puppies to lonely women to vote for me.
03:09 - 03:14Maybe my campaign manager, roque can squeeze some money out of the reserves to buy lots of puppies.
03:14 - 03:19The reason I think about dogs is because in el brickell, there is a sign that says, dont get mad, kick a puppy.
03:19 - 03:24I am working on a project to use roadkill fur to stuff the jackets of our police officers to save money.
03:24 - 03:29We will save money. I thought about using the dog hair for restoration of my balding head, but my girlfriend said give it to the cops.
03:29 - 03:34And, thats the reality. Cops are happy to do the job as long as they have warm summer coats.
03:34 - 03:37If you pass by 8 street, youll always see a cop panhandling for money. It's not corruption,
03:37 - 03:40Why is it that when I begin talking, I cant shut up? why on earth when you
03:40 - 03:42ask me ONE question, I have to ramble? Because I am tomasito and
03:42 - 03:46when we need to lower taxes, the answer is always to give a pay cut. The latin mamis love it. And, for them and their
03:46 - 03:51papi chulos, i try to save them from having to pay more. everyone needs money to eat
03:51 - 03:53empanadas.
03:53 - 03:58If you don't want to be a cop, there are plenty of food places that need employees.
03:58 - 04:03There are people putting up five buildings in Miami. I can't count that high, but that is what I am told.
04:03 - 04:08I don't know if our cops can get hammered anymore, but if they can, they can always become construction workers.
04:08 - 04:13I also wanted to have the tallest building in little havana. I didn't know if it could be done.
04:13 - 04:18My friends in the Related Group needed more money, so I said I will give you a tax break. Don't worry, be happy and kick a puppy.
04:18 - 04:23I wanted the building to be taller than my oldest son, Balto.
04:23 - 04:28caption text here
04:28 - 04:33If I dont get it, I will just sue like everyone else does.
04:33 - 04:36But, its okay because they began the construction of that building.
04:36 - 04:41I just hope soon because if it is shorter than Balto, I will need to have it torn down.
04:41 - 04:46I was wondering, would you like to name each step after a freedom fighter from Cuba?
04:46 - 04:48We have lowered taxes so my voters keep getting fatter. We have taken every
04:48 - 04:53single benefit known to man from the cops as well as those firefighters. And, i mean everything.
04:53 - 04:56A building with 38 floors saves about 3 to 4 dollars in taxes every year. Thats enough to buy a cuban coffee for a month.
04:58 - 05:01And, when it comes to being the best scammer, I have to say that your daddy beats them all. I havent paid for a cup of coffee in 19 years.
05:01 - 05:06caption text here
05:06 - 05:11Okay dad, thats great. I want to just tell you that I cherish every word you say. The Crespogram has stated that
05:11 - 05:16you are a worl traveler at the expense of the city. People asked you if you knew what was the capital of Thailand, and you
05:16 - 05:21did a nut check on cabrera and said "BANGCOCK" because you went there for free as the mayor.
05:21 - 05:26Is there any truth to that story? Or is it as much as a lie of the $43 million dollars that fell out of the sky this week?
05:26 - 05:31Tomas- Well, the nutcheck story is true. And I love BANG COCK. But, lets talk about all my trips
05:31 - 05:36The past mayor had free trips everywhere. Now, what I do is tell businesses that if you want a cuban coffee in miami,
05:36 - 05:41well, then you better send me a ticket so i bring it to you. The puporse of the trips is so I can see about outsourcing police.
05:41 - 05:46My last trip was to India. There is a company there for the price of a sack of flour, will patrol 3 square miles of Miami
05:46 - 05:51If the idea works, we can fire all our cops by declaring a financial urgency. Cabrera will be the head of the Defense Ministry
05:51 - 05:56and together, we will save Miami from all of its crime problems. Tahoes and cheap hos will be a thing of the past.
05:56 - 06:01I think with my reelection in the coming months, we will be able to take even more benefits away.
06:01 - 06:06So what if the union is running commericals for our cops to leave. So what if everyone transfers out to Miami Beach.
06:06 - 06:11It will help us get rid of dead weight. Roque and Cabrera with the help of India and Alpha 66 will make Miami the banana republic of the future.
06:11 - 06:16Change is coming. I like to change my city managers and police chiefs like i change my underwear.
06:16 - 06:21Im beginning to get sleepy, so I think its time I go home and take a dump before napping.
06:21 - 06:26And thats how I keep looking young Miami. when the bulls*&t is too thick, rub it on your face and thing big.
06:26 - 06:29So I think its time we end the show so I can change my depends and drink and ensure.
06:29 - 06:34Well, Dad, you said it best. I think you need to change your pamper because frankly, this room is beginning to smell
06:34 - 06:39like a bag of assholes, and you don't have your trusty assistant secret service agent, Sergeant Carvel Cake to wipe your soggy ass.
06:38 - 06:40??????? Que? ??????
06:40 - 06:45I hope you all have a great night. And, remember, vote for my daddy, because he smells like a dirty creampie patty.