| 00:00 - 00:03 | The results of your genetic tests have arrived |
| 00:03 - 00:05 | we have the results from |
| 00:05 - 00:07 | 23 & Me, Ancestry, and more |
| 00:08 - 00:12 | A collection of the most reputable tests |
| 00:12 - 00:15 | known to man |
| 00:17 - 00:19 | Yes very good |
| 00:19 - 00:21 | I trust this process to be accurate |
| 00:24 - 00:26 | JD... |
| 00:27 - 00:28 | The tests show... |
| 00:30 - 00:33 | The results are conclusive |
| 00:34 - 00:36 | you are 100% Italian |
| 00:53 - 00:58 | Please leave the room if you don't own as many board games as I do |
| 01:13 - 01:15 | This just isn't fair |
| 01:15 - 01:17 | what kind of a fate is this? |
| 01:18 - 01:23 | WHAT ARE THE ODDS??!? |
| 01:25 - 01:28 | I do not like this |
| 01:28 - 01:31 | I like this less than Donald Trump! |
| 01:31 - 01:34 | what will I do now?? |
| 01:34 - 01:37 | hang out with the least credible, |
| 01:37 - 01:40 | shadiest business owners of Jamestown??? |
| 01:40 - 01:42 | but JD the Rennaissance, art, culture... |
| 01:42 - 01:46 | don't Rennaissance me |
| 01:46 - 01:48 | JD, the food is excellent |
| 01:48 - 01:52 | don't tell me about the food! |
| 01:53 - 01:54 | I am so over this! |
| 01:56 - 01:57 | next you'll say |
| 01:57 - 02:00 | that I should be proud of |
| 02:00 - 02:03 | fighting Ethiopia to a draw! |
| 02:04 - 02:08 | I should've seen this coming! |
| 02:08 - 02:13 | My deep affinity for pizza, my propensity |
| 02:14 - 02:16 | to talk with my hands... |
| 02:17 - 02:21 | JEEEEESUS CHRIST! |
| 02:27 - 02:29 | I went through life believing |
| 02:30 - 02:34 | that I was a proud Swede |
| 02:34 - 02:36 | at least a German |
| 02:41 - 02:42 | Italian |
| 02:43 - 02:47 | I could've lived with being Polish. Even Russian! |
| 02:48 - 02:53 | I'd have settled for English or Dutch |
| 02:54 - 02:56 | this is literally the worst |
| 02:56 - 02:59 | Their men are turds coated in olive oil! |
| 03:00 - 03:02 | Their women are disgustingly hairy! |
| 03:04 - 03:07 | It's OK - some men are into it |
| 03:14 - 03:16 | You guys are lucky |
| 03:19 - 03:23 | this unimaginable hell |
| 03:25 - 03:26 | you're spared |
| 03:31 - 03:33 | You guys aren't Italian. |
| 03:40 - 03:46 | There is only one thing that can cure what ails me |
| 03:46 - 03:51 | Order up a pizza from Lenas. For tonight... |
| 03:53 - 03:56 | we carb out |
