| 00:00 - 00:03 | These are the worst affected areas |
| 00:04 - 00:05 | Glasgow, all of Fife, Coatbridge |
| 00:05 - 00:07 | They pupils will soon be eligible to |
| 00:08 - 00:12 | vote and we can't afford to lose their support, or any MSP's |
| 00:12 - 00:15 | This could damage you and the party in the Scottish elections next May |
| 00:17 - 00:19 | I'll just blame the Evil Tories. |
| 00:19 - 00:21 | John Beattie will fix it for me on BBC Radio Scotland |
| 00:24 - 00:26 | My Fuhrer |
| 00:27 - 00:28 | Supreme Leader |
| 00:31 - 00:33 | Supreme Leader. Education is devolved to Schotland |
| 00:34 - 00:36 | Boris is laughing at you from Downing Street |
| 00:53 - 00:58 | Every cunt from Jordanhill, stay in the room. The rest of you can fuck off and don't let the door hit you on the way out |
| 01:13 - 01:15 | This is all the fault of that bastard Swinney |
| 01:15 - 01:17 | I was supposed to be staying in Bridge of Allan tonight |
| 01:18 - 01:23 | Now i'm going to have to stay with Peter in Baillieston and pretend to play happy families |
| 01:25 - 01:28 | I'm not letting that fat prick near my hair with scissors again |
| 01:29 - 01:31 | I just wanted a quiet night, |
| 01:31 - 01:34 | being driven up the M9, read 4 books before dinner |
| 01:34 - 01:37 | and spend some quality time avec mon amie. |
| 01:37 - 01:40 | Peter's not going to be chuffed. He was supposed to be seeing Deek |
| 01:40 - 01:42 | The public think you are happily married to Peter |
| 01:42 - 01:46 | I've got an injunction that prevents the press reporting on my private life |
| 01:46 - 01:48 | My Fuhrer. We need to fix this exam fiasco. |
| 01:48 - 01:52 | Send that failure Swinney up to Aberdeen and away from the SQA. |
| 01:53 - 01:54 | It's time to deflect. |
| 01:56 - 01:57 | we'll name the footballers who caught covid |
| 01:57 - 02:00 | We'll close down the Granite City and it will buy us some time |
| 02:00 - 02:03 | I hate every one of those cunts in Aberdeen and The Shire. |
| 02:04 - 02:08 | I hope they all catch the plague and die. They voted no in 2014. |
| 02:08 - 02:13 | Every Yoon death brings the independence dream of Reichsfuhrer Arthur Donaldson closer to reality |
| 02:14 - 02:16 | Get Scotland's greatest actor, Alan Cumming to do another 'i'll vote for an independent |
| 02:17 - 02:21 | Scotland, from my luxury apartment in New York apartment' |
| 02:27 - 02:29 | I want every bridge covered in fucking flags |
| 02:30 - 02:34 | Irish flags. Palestinian flags. Catalonian flags Even Scottish flags. |
| 02:34 - 02:36 | Get Jayney Godley to make some of her videos |
| 02:41 - 02:42 | They are as funny as my picture outside Auschwitz |
| 02:43 - 02:47 | but STV will make them their news headlines for a week, or until this all blows over. |
| 02:48 - 02:53 | I was a genuine cult. They believed i could walk on water. I was within touching distance |
| 02:54 - 02:56 | Even Yousaff broke the law and got away with it |
| 02:56 - 02:59 | I bet Joanna Cherry is fucking pishing herself at this debacle. |
| 03:00 - 03:02 | Get me Lesley Evans on the phone now. I'm going nuclear |
| 03:04 - 03:07 | It's ok Cherie......You will see her demain |
| 03:14 - 03:16 | I can't believe i'm going to do this. |
| 03:19 - 03:23 | I'll ask Alex Salmond if he wants his old job back. Perhaps he'll get me a gig on RT |
| 03:25 - 03:26 | I'm fekked |
| 03:31 - 03:33 | It's either that or begging in Govanhill, |
| 03:40 - 03:46 | If Salmond doesn't take it, i'll ask John Mason to take over. He's mad as a box of frogs, but so are the membership |
| 03:46 - 03:49 | I have one last request |
| 03:53 - 03:56 | Get me a Proclaimers cd and some cyanide |
