00:00 - 00:03These are the worst affected areas
00:04 - 00:05Glasgow, all of Fife, Coatbridge
00:05 - 00:07They pupils will soon be eligible to
00:08 - 00:12vote and we can't afford to lose their support, or any MSP's
00:12 - 00:15This could damage you and the party in the Scottish elections next May
00:17 - 00:19I'll just blame the Evil Tories.
00:19 - 00:21John Beattie will fix it for me on BBC Radio Scotland
00:24 - 00:26My Fuhrer
00:27 - 00:28Supreme Leader
00:31 - 00:33Supreme Leader. Education is devolved to Schotland
00:34 - 00:36Boris is laughing at you from Downing Street
00:53 - 00:58Every cunt from Jordanhill, stay in the room. The rest of you can fuck off and don't let the door hit you on the way out
01:13 - 01:15This is all the fault of that bastard Swinney
01:15 - 01:17I was supposed to be staying in Bridge of Allan tonight
01:18 - 01:23Now i'm going to have to stay with Peter in Baillieston and pretend to play happy families
01:25 - 01:28I'm not letting that fat prick near my hair with scissors again
01:29 - 01:31I just wanted a quiet night,
01:31 - 01:34 being driven up the M9, read 4 books before dinner
01:34 - 01:37and spend some quality time avec mon amie.
01:37 - 01:40Peter's not going to be chuffed. He was supposed to be seeing Deek
01:40 - 01:42The public think you are happily married to Peter
01:42 - 01:46I've got an injunction that prevents the press reporting on my private life
01:46 - 01:48My Fuhrer. We need to fix this exam fiasco.
01:48 - 01:52Send that failure Swinney up to Aberdeen and away from the SQA.
01:53 - 01:54It's time to deflect.
01:56 - 01:57we'll name the footballers who caught covid
01:57 - 02:00We'll close down the Granite City and it will buy us some time
02:00 - 02:03I hate every one of those cunts in Aberdeen and The Shire.
02:04 - 02:08I hope they all catch the plague and die. They voted no in 2014.
02:08 - 02:13Every Yoon death brings the independence dream of Reichsfuhrer Arthur Donaldson closer to reality
02:14 - 02:16Get Scotland's greatest actor, Alan Cumming to do another 'i'll vote for an independent
02:17 - 02:21Scotland, from my luxury apartment in New York apartment'
02:27 - 02:29I want every bridge covered in fucking flags
02:30 - 02:34Irish flags. Palestinian flags. Catalonian flags Even Scottish flags.
02:34 - 02:36 Get Jayney Godley to make some of her videos
02:41 - 02:42They are as funny as my picture outside Auschwitz
02:43 - 02:47but STV will make them their news headlines for a week, or until this all blows over.
02:48 - 02:53I was a genuine cult. They believed i could walk on water. I was within touching distance
02:54 - 02:56Even Yousaff broke the law and got away with it
02:56 - 02:59I bet Joanna Cherry is fucking pishing herself at this debacle.
03:00 - 03:02Get me Lesley Evans on the phone now. I'm going nuclear
03:04 - 03:07It's ok Cherie......You will see her demain
03:14 - 03:16I can't believe i'm going to do this.
03:19 - 03:23I'll ask Alex Salmond if he wants his old job back. Perhaps he'll get me a gig on RT
03:25 - 03:26I'm fekked
03:31 - 03:33It's either that or begging in Govanhill,
03:40 - 03:46If Salmond doesn't take it, i'll ask John Mason to take over. He's mad as a box of frogs, but so are the membership
03:46 - 03:49I have one last request
03:53 - 03:56Get me a Proclaimers cd and some cyanide