| 00:00 - 00:03 | Sir, this is Ukraine. The Russians have invaded. |
| 00:04 - 00:05 | They need our help. |
| 00:05 - 00:07 | The Russians are moving in here. |
| 00:08 - 00:12 | Ukraine wants to buy Javelins from us |
| 00:12 - 00:15 | and they need that $400 million in aid. |
| 00:17 - 00:19 | They aren't getting it |
| 00:19 - 00:21 | until they give me some dirt on Biden. |
| 00:24 - 00:26 | Mr. President, |
| 00:27 - 00:28 | The Democrats... |
| 00:31 - 00:33 | They know about the deal. |
| 00:34 - 00:36 | A whistleblower spilled the beans. |
| 00:53 - 00:58 | Everybody out but Giuliani, Barr and Pompeo. |
| 01:13 - 01:15 | How the fuck did this happen? |
| 01:15 - 01:17 | Which of you assholes talked? |
| 01:18 - 01:23 | That conversation was supposed to be in the secret computer! |
| 01:25 - 01:28 | It was going great until this happened. |
| 01:29 - 01:31 | I had Zelensky over a barrel! |
| 01:31 - 01:34 | I made him an offer he couldn't refuse! |
| 01:34 - 01:37 | It was a beautiful, perfect conversation. The best! |
| 01:37 - 01:40 | Nancy can't impeach me for this. |
| 01:40 - 01:42 | Mr. President, she's doing it. |
| 01:42 - 01:46 | She can't do that. My judges will stop her. |
| 01:46 - 01:48 | Actually, she can. |
| 01:48 - 01:52 | Then you assholes better do something! |
| 01:53 - 01:54 | It's treason! |
| 01:56 - 01:57 | Get me my phone! I need to tweet. |
| 01:57 - 02:00 | These people are sick and sad! |
| 02:00 - 02:03 | I can have all the beautiful phone conversations I want! |
| 02:04 - 02:08 | They can't impeach me for being the greatest president ever. |
| 02:08 - 02:13 | I'm even greater than Abe Lincoln except for his hat! |
| 02:14 - 02:16 | I should be on Mount Rushmore! |
| 02:17 - 02:21 | My penis is the biggest of any president's ever! |
| 02:27 - 02:29 | My hands are bigger than Lincoln's. |
| 02:30 - 02:34 | I'm taller than Obama. Much taller. |
| 02:34 - 02:36 | My daughter is hotter than anybody else's. |
| 02:41 - 02:42 | I've built the Wall. |
| 02:43 - 02:47 | All of it, with my own huge hands. |
| 02:48 - 02:53 | And nobody appreciates my greatness. |
| 02:54 - 02:56 | It's unfair and sad. |
| 02:56 - 02:59 | I make the best deals. |
| 03:00 - 03:02 | I should get the Nobel Prize. All of them. |
| 03:04 - 03:07 | Don't cry, Ivanka, you know what to do... |
| 03:14 - 03:16 | I'm going to have to fire somebody. |
| 03:19 - 03:23 | You're all a bunch of losers. |
| 03:25 - 03:26 | Pompeo, you're fired. |
| 03:31 - 03:33 | No particular reason. |
| 03:40 - 03:46 | I'd fire the rest of you, too, |
| 03:46 - 03:49 | but you know too much. |
| 03:53 - 03:56 | So I guess I'll have to have you shot. |
