00:00 - 00:03 | The next series of IUUBS conferences are well into planning... |
00:04 - 00:05 | The International Conference on Advanced Underwater Basketweaving starts next week. |
00:05 - 00:07 | The Pan-continental Meeting on Wooden Meshes in Ocean Environments has all plenary speakers confirmed. |
00:08 - 00:12 | The conference excursion to the Museum of Beards & Moustaches for our 29th Global Symposium seems very popular... |
00:12 - 00:15 | and the next young basketweavers meeting has a committee appointed and is in early planning. |
00:17 - 00:19 | Those young underwater basketweavers are rebellious troublemakers... |
00:19 - 00:21 | They are best out of our hair for now. |
00:24 - 00:26 | Secretary General... |
00:27 - 00:28 | The young basketweavers... |
00:31 - 00:33 | The young basketweavers have gone after us on twitter about our all male speaker line-ups. |
00:34 - 00:36 | All of our conferences are being pilloried on the all-male panels tumblr. |
00:53 - 00:58 | Everyone leave the room except Keitel, Jodl, Krebs, and Burgdorf... |
01:13 - 01:15 | Those damned young basketweavers... |
01:15 - 01:17 | Those bloody cheeky progressive change-seeking young basketweavers... |
01:18 - 01:23 | They somehow think they can change the world and make underwater basketweaving more inclusive... |
01:25 - 01:28 | ...that somehow women and minorities in underwater basketweaving... |
01:29 - 01:31 | ...should be given role models and fair representation... |
01:31 - 01:34 | Do they realise how many old boys we owe plenary talks to? |
01:34 - 01:37 | 207 out of 210 Nobel Laureates for Underwater Basketweaving are men! |
01:37 - 01:40 | We only have 8 plenaries spots at each conference... |
01:40 - 01:42 | Secretary General, Professor Johnson hasn't replied to our emails yet, maybe we can free his slot. |
01:42 - 01:46 | Professor Johnson is a highly esteemed underwater basketweaver, one of our best... |
01:46 - 01:48 | Secretary General, he has a reputation for wandering hands... |
01:48 - 01:52 | How dare you suggest his lecherous behaviour negate his prodigious basketweaving merit. |
01:53 - 01:54 | It's only ever about merit! |
01:56 - 01:57 | They come to our conferences to bask in our speakers' radiant glory... |
01:57 - 02:00 | It doesn't matter that they've given basically the same plenary talk 23 times a year for 35 straight years. |
02:00 - 02:03 | If they have a Nobel prize, we have no choice but to offer them plenaries time and again. |
02:04 - 02:08 | Do you realise how much local influence we can peddle if a mid-level bureaucrat meets a laureate? |
02:08 - 02:13 | That influence is vital to us maintain the bureaucratic links that advance our interests in getting funding and positions of influence. |
02:14 - 02:16 | It's vital to us staying at the top of the meritocracy. |
02:17 - 02:21 | It's not like we're going to win a Nobel prize ourselves. It'd mean we have to actually do some basketweaving that matters! |
02:27 - 02:29 | What do these young clowns expect? |
02:30 - 02:34 | They're nothing but trouble... nothing but disrespect. |
02:34 - 02:36 | They expect to hear from diverse people about different topics. |
02:41 - 02:42 | One of these clowns... |
02:43 - 02:47 | has this ridiculous policy where he doesn't attend conferences that don't meet minimum standards. |
02:48 - 02:53 | And the bloody standards increment numerically each year. |
02:54 - 02:56 | He somehow expects that by his retirement age half our speakers will be women. |
02:56 - 02:59 | What the hell are us old blokes supposed to do? |
03:00 - 03:02 | We won't be able to fill our CVs with massive lists of plenary talks... |
03:04 - 03:07 | It's ok, Anna, I'm sure they'll keep the woman in underwater basketweaving poster prize. |
03:14 - 03:16 | I have an idea... |
03:19 - 03:23 | We have $150,000 in assets, let's spend a little... |
03:25 - 03:26 | We can have a special symposium... |
03:31 - 03:33 | About the reasons why women aren't staying in underwater basketweaving... |
03:40 - 03:46 | We can invite 8 women to come and speak on this panel... |
03:46 - 03:49 | Maybe it'll make the young basketweavers back off. |
03:53 - 03:56 | And my bid for a Male Champions of Change medal won't be lost... |