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Mein Fuhrer, we have a problem on the beach.

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What appears to be excrement is everywhere.

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Here. And here.

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We first learned of it from a cell phone video taken by a citizen on the beach.

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The video has been viewed over 34,000 times. It's gone viral.

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This happens all the time.

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Those damned Canada geese crap everywhere.

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Mein Fuhrer,

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It's not--

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It's not goose droppings. It's human feces.

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Fairhope has a Phanton Sh**ter.

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The following men will stay: Keitel, Jodl, Krebs, and Burgdorf.

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This is FAIRHOPE!

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Beautiful, eclectic, artsy FAIRHOPE!

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The sh*t is rolling up in the surf like driftwood!

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(Who craps on the beach?)

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It's probably the snapper fleet dumping their waste!

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Or the cruise ships! Or those huge tankers!

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Human waste! In Fairhope! Where's the sewer leak?

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I have six crab traps out right now!

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Mein Fuhrer, human feces would wash up like Havana omelets - not solid pieces!

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Did you hear what he said? I'm freaking out here!

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Mein Fuhrer, it is very clearly goose sh*t - - - 

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Herr General, I don't want to hear you say 'goose sh*t' again!

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IT'S HUMAN FECES!

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Do you actually expect me to believe . . .

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. . . that you Googled "goose poop" . . . 

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. . . in the desperate hope that, by some miracle, these aren't human turds?

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There are big, brown, solid logs on our shores!

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The kind you get after a road trip because you can't take a dump anywhere but at home!

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These things are so dense; I can't believe they didn't sink!

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And you say it's goose crap just because you're worried about the damned geese!

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This is human feces, plain-and-simple. 

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The next thing you know, Mobilians will be moving across the Bay by the thousands.

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And we are powerless to stop it.

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This will make the news.

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This will make the news and get picked up by the wires and the whole country will know!

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They'll make jokes and say our seafood tastes like sh*t!

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Well, I for one, won't put up with it.

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I am tired of our Bay being treated like a toilet!

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And if it is the geese, I will cook them in their own blood!

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It's okay. I had to Google "goose poop", too.

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There's probably a video of a turd with peanuts in it.

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I've never understood why we can't digest them.

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Or corn.

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Find some gloves. And some bags.

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We are going down there to pick up every last bit of that bum fudge . . . 

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. . . no matter how nasty it may be.

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Before the next Jubilee.