Swedbank's whole management team was ushered into the CEO's office.
Look, we need to increase earnings.
We sell exactly the same products as our competitors.
The only way to capture business is through client relations.
I have an idea of how we can improve our client relationships.
When we go out to dinner with out clients
We should only be able to buy them two beers. TWO. MAX
No cocktails. No cognac. No schnapps. Two beers!
When we take them to a Christmas buffet
They are served glögg at the reception before we are shown to the table
And then, we order a beer each for the herring
When they have finished the herring and move on to the cold cuts
They are feeling more thirsty
But we can only offer them a soda
Because they already had a glögg and a beer!
And they can't get a schnapps with their food.
Fanta for dinner. To adult business people!
And this will improve our client relationship
All according to the combined brainpower at the top of the bank
There probably was some McKinsey consultant for 10k an hour as well
And this!
This is what they came up with to improve our client relationships
Just imagine a regular dinner in a nice restaurant
Would you like a drink before dinner - NO, not allowed!
A glas of bubbly then while we look through the menu
And then, when the first course is served
And a glass of wine is served with it
You have to tell the client
That his glass of wine must last for the rest of the evening
The whole evening!
It's 19 o clock!
all night
but there is always Fanta
if he wants something nice for his main course
This new policy is someone's brainchild, and it has then been discussed among several top managers
all in order
to improve our client relationships
It has been vetted by HR and then
then communicated down the management lines
And every middle manager has gaped
at the complete and utter lack of understanding
of how business relations are built
The top management must think our clients are children or tee-totallers
Oh, it's incredible
To think that this will improve anything
SEB and Danske must laugh their asses off
But what can we do? It's above our pay grade to understand.