| 00:00 - 00:03 | Trump just finished speaking at a rally in Charlestown, West Virginia. |
| 00:04 - 00:05 | Tomorrow, he's holding rallies in both Omaha, Nebraska, |
| 00:05 - 00:07 | and Eugene, Oregon, the stronghold of hipster cucks in the Northwest. |
| 00:08 - 00:12 | Then on Saturday, he's appearing in Spokane, Washington, |
| 00:12 - 00:15 | at the Convention Center, overlooking the Spokane River. |
| 00:17 - 00:19 | Soros has ads for protesters on Eugene's Craigslist. |
| 00:19 - 00:22 | BLM will whip those worthless hipsters into a frenzy. |
| 00:24 - 00:26 | Madame Secretary ... |
| 00:27 - 00:28 | Protesters ... |
| 00:31 - 00:33 | Protesters only succeed in getting Trump more votes. |
| 00:34 - 00:36 | He won Illinois after Chicago, and polls show him crushing California. |
| 00:53 - 00:58 | The following people will stay here: Huma Abedin, Dana Milbank, Nate Silver and Chris Matthews. |
| 01:13 - 01:15 | This was supposed to be my turn! |
| 01:15 - 01:17 | I got Debbie Wasserman Schultz and the DNC on my side! |
| 01:18 - 01:23 | The New York Times and the Washington Post do nothing but trumpet my propaganda! |
| 01:25 - 01:28 | The media's used every trick in their book. |
| 01:29 - 01:31 | They called him a racist, a sexist, a xenophobe. |
| 01:31 - 01:34 | But it's only making him stronger! |
| 01:34 - 01:37 | You think it's Kryptonite to Superman, but it's actually spinach to Popeye! |
| 01:37 - 01:40 | And what rhesus monkey came up with the idea of calling him Dangerous Donald?! |
| 01:40 - 01:42 | Madame Secretary, we ran that through countless focus groups. |
| 01:42 - 01:46 | I pay $4 million to learn how to stump Trump and this is the best we've got? |
| 01:46 - 01:48 | Madame Secretary, we've still got the Woman Card. |
| 01:48 - 01:52 | That might have worked if we didn't use the international symbol for the ladies' room! |
| 01:53 - 01:54 | Nobody's even buying them! |
| 01:56 - 01:57 | You useless twats who majored in political science |
| 01:57 - 02:00 | because you thought it would get you laid. |
| 02:00 - 02:03 | Do they even teach you how to wipe your ass in pundit school?! |
| 02:04 - 02:08 | You might as well have taken lesbian dance therapy. At least you'd have a skill to fall back on. |
| 02:08 - 02:13 | With all your credentials, not one of you can tell me how to stop an orange-faced baboon with no political experience from becoming president. |
| 02:14 - 02:16 | How am I going to beat Trump with all his High Energy, |
| 02:17 - 02:21 | when I'm still struggling against a senile old cuck who thinks he's Stalin?! |
| 02:27 - 02:29 | I still don't know why I'm still not clinching the younger women demographic. |
| 02:30 - 02:34 | I mean, I am "a battle-tested warrior for women and children" after all. |
| 02:34 - 02:36 | I'm fighting for us as the women's candidate. |
| 02:41 - 02:42 | God damn, Bill. |
| 02:43 - 02:47 | All these years he's been preying on other women, and like a dumbass, I've been protecting him. |
| 02:48 - 02:53 | I think he's passive-aggressively torpedoing my campaign. |
| 02:54 - 02:56 | Yelling at those BLM thugs ... |
| 02:56 - 02:59 | Yesterday I saw a meme of Trump choosing Monica Lewinsky as his running mate! |
| 03:00 - 03:02 | All I get are memes about Elizabeth "The Indian" Warren! |
| 03:04 - 03:07 | It's okay, Anna. Elizabeth Warren isn't REALLY an Indian. |
| 03:14 - 03:16 | History books won't remember my accomplishments, no. |
| 03:19 - 03:23 | They'll write about how Trump trolled me with that goddamn taco bowl |
| 03:25 - 03:26 | Why did I say "Hispanics?" |
| 03:31 - 03:33 | My campaign is done. |
| 03:40 - 03:46 | At least when I get sent to prison, they'll name Season 3 of Orange Is the New Black after me. |
| 03:46 - 03:49 | Who's got the TV show now, Donald? |
| 03:53 - 03:56 | Maybe Trump will pardon me when he's elected. |
