00:00 - 00:03 | The team has suffered a slow start. |
00:04 - 00:05 | Obviously, because our starters are from |
00:05 - 00:07 | Oakland and Cleveland |
00:08 - 00:12 | Tactical draft errors were made, clearly. |
00:12 - 00:15 | But we couldn't foresee having 469 points getting hung on us in 4 weeks. |
00:17 - 00:19 | I have the worst fucking luck. |
00:19 - 00:21 | But I'm sure it will turn around. |
00:24 - 00:26 | But Krieg... |
00:27 - 00:28 | Really... |
00:31 - 00:33 | Your RBs are McGahee and Jennings... |
00:34 - 00:36 | A has-been and a never-was. |
00:53 - 00:58 | Everyone but the silver division, get the fuck out. This is none of your business. |
01:13 - 01:15 | Martin was supposed to dominate! |
01:15 - 01:17 | Kaepernick runs like a classy Manziel! |
01:18 - 01:23 | A.J. Green can't play all the positions! |
01:25 - 01:28 | I already have four dicks broken off inside my asshole. |
01:29 - 01:31 | And now to face Succulence?? |
01:31 - 01:34 | If I lose to that motherfucking father one more time... |
01:34 - 01:37 | I'll cut off my own balls and send them to Gina |
01:37 - 01:40 | to bookend Pete's nuts on their mantle. |
01:40 - 01:42 | But the division is shitty, you still have a chance to... |
01:42 - 01:46 | Are you COMPLETELY retarded? Kellen Fucking Winslow is my tight end now! |
01:46 - 01:48 | But Krieg, the guru has you favored! |
01:48 - 01:52 | That piece of shit algorithm can lick Smuckers off my rancid taint. |
01:53 - 01:54 | It's all over! |
01:56 - 01:57 | There is nothing left to be done |
01:57 - 02:00 | except spend rampantly on free agents |
02:00 - 02:03 | and drink so many screwdrivers and eat so many hot wings |
02:04 - 02:08 | that Im in danger of either shitting my pants |
02:08 - 02:13 | or barfing on a slutty waitress by Sunday Night Football. |
02:14 - 02:16 | This level of self-loathing should be reserved |
02:17 - 02:21 | for trailer park murder-suicides that leave toddlers lying in puddles of blood. |
02:27 - 02:29 | This is the worst team in history. |
02:30 - 02:34 | I have so many handcuffs for other teams' backs |
02:34 - 02:36 | I could link them together and hang myself. |
02:41 - 02:42 | Sure, I did no research... |
02:43 - 02:47 | But I should have known from Colon's lessons not to spend on two quarterbacks! |
02:48 - 02:53 | I've been too lucky in this league for years. |
02:54 - 02:56 | And now karma has arrived. |
02:56 - 02:59 | All I can do it sit and jerk off angrily |
03:00 - 03:02 | to the GIGS of PRON that CRAZY bitch sends me!!! |
03:04 - 03:07 | It's okay. Surely he won't share it with them. |
03:14 - 03:16 | All I wanted was a championship. |
03:19 - 03:23 | So I could plan a true Southern draft. |
03:25 - 03:26 | But, no. |
03:31 - 03:33 | Another Hieb Vegas trip. |
03:40 - 03:46 | Where we will all lose our minds and money at the casino. |
03:46 - 03:49 | And there will be more golf than ever before. |
03:53 - 03:56 | Have a nice night. |