| 00:00 - 00:03 | To summarise, its far worse than we thought. |
| 00:04 - 00:05 | 150,000 patients joined this week |
| 00:05 - 00:07 | from all parts of London and beyond |
| 00:08 - 00:12 | But most worrying, our 'advice' to discourage the ill joining is not working |
| 00:12 - 00:15 | with 85 year olds, pregnant women, and even children joining at rapid rates |
| 00:17 - 00:19 | This will sort itself out; the worried well will come |
| 00:19 - 00:21 | and the sick will re-register elsewhere. New doctors will come |
| 00:24 - 00:26 | But Mr chairman, |
| 00:27 - 00:28 | we cannot.... |
| 00:31 - 00:33 | We cannot find any doctors willing to join us now. |
| 00:34 - 00:36 | Not for £40 an hour and all the Haribos you can eat. |
| 00:53 - 00:58 | All those who are doctors and remember the Krebs cycle leave. Only managers are to remain. |
| 01:13 - 01:15 | This is your bloody fault! |
| 01:15 - 01:17 | You buggers said the cherry-picking model was foolproof! |
| 01:18 - 01:23 | That only 20 year olds with 30 minute colds would join, so we would never have to employ real doctors |
| 01:25 - 01:28 | And we would never have to see anyone physically! |
| 01:29 - 01:31 | Now you are saying we need more bases |
| 01:31 - 01:34 | and they can't be fobbed off with 21 amoxicillin or some diazepam. |
| 01:34 - 01:37 | Now we will have to buy exam couches, stethoscopes, |
| 01:37 - 01:40 | and those bright shiny things to look in throats |
| 01:40 - 01:42 | Mr Chairman, we can rejig the virtual algorithm... |
| 01:42 - 01:46 | That pile of IT crap? |
| 01:46 - 01:48 | We can increase the numbers advised "go to A&E" by 50% to reduce... |
| 01:48 - 01:52 | Yesterday that stupid app told someone from Croydon they had contracted Lassa Fever! |
| 01:53 - 01:54 | It doesn't bloody work!! |
| 01:56 - 01:57 | I thought we could manage with 23 nurse practitioners, |
| 01:57 - 02:00 | and an anatomy colouring book, |
| 02:00 - 02:03 | but it turns out you DO need to examine people properly! |
| 02:04 - 02:08 | Telling them to blow into their iPhone hard |
| 02:08 - 02:13 | doesn't sodding calculate their peak flow! |
| 02:14 - 02:16 | Have you seen the bloody complaints folder? |
| 02:17 - 02:21 | It's thicker than a whale omelette and the legal team are on triple overtime! |
| 02:27 - 02:29 | We had a chance to make a fortune here, |
| 02:30 - 02:34 | leaving the ill to other GPs to sort out, |
| 02:34 - 02:36 | as long as we didn't really give a shit how it affected the NHS. |
| 02:41 - 02:42 | But now the sick have followed us here, |
| 02:43 - 02:47 | and we cannot make money from using our planned mode if they do! |
| 02:48 - 02:53 | They take up too much time, too much resource, as ill people |
| 02:54 - 02:56 | I thought we had it sorted with a backhander to NHS England |
| 02:56 - 02:59 | That our 'registration deflection criteria' was bomb-proof, |
| 03:00 - 03:02 | and the CQC would look the other way. |
| 03:04 - 03:07 | Don't worry, the CQC only mind if you have net curtains up at the window... |
| 03:14 - 03:16 | Its over if we can't get real GPs to work for us. |
| 03:19 - 03:23 | One of ours last week told someone to do their own PR via face-time |
| 03:25 - 03:26 | Thats not what fingerprint recognition technology is for. Idiot. |
| 03:31 - 03:33 | Even an 'Embarrassing Bodies' doctor knows that... |
| 03:40 - 03:46 | Its over. We are finished. Hand back the contract. |
| 03:46 - 03:49 | Unleash the computer virus to close us so we can blame it on the Russians, |
| 03:53 - 03:56 | and redirect all contacts to their original GPs for proper care. |
