| 00:00 - 00:03 | Sir, we finally managed to get you a ticket to the Ballon d'Or Awards Ceremony. |
| 00:04 - 00:05 | It's taking place next January |
| 00:05 - 00:07 | and it is due to be held here in Berlin. |
| 00:08 - 00:12 | The VIPs will have their own separate entrance |
| 00:12 - 00:15 | so you'll be entering here with the nominees for the main award. |
| 00:17 - 00:19 | Great, surrounded by all of them |
| 00:19 - 00:21 | Messi, Neymar, Ronaldo, Pau Lopez... |
| 00:24 - 00:26 | Sir... |
| 00:27 - 00:28 | Pau |
| 00:31 - 00:33 | Pau Lopez wasn't nominated this year. |
| 00:34 - 00:36 | The judging panel said they hadn't even heard of him. |
| 00:53 - 00:58 | Anyone else who hasn't hear of my boy Pau, leave now. |
| 01:13 - 01:15 | Tossers, the lot of them. |
| 01:15 - 01:17 | Fucking corrupt bastards. |
| 01:18 - 01:23 | Giving the World Cup to Qatar was bad, |
| 01:25 - 01:27 | but not even nominating the best keeper of the decade? |
| 01:29 - 01:31 | They've crossed the motherfucking line here. |
| 01:31 - 01:34 | Three cleansheets so far this season. Does that mean nothing? |
| 01:34 - 01:37 | How many have the others got? |
| 01:37 - 01:40 | I'll tell you how many they've got... |
| 01:40 - 01:42 | Sir, the others aren't even goalkeepers. |
| 01:42 - 01:46 | I couldn't give a flying fuck what position the others play. |
| 01:46 - 01:48 | Sir, Lopez has conceded 24 goals in 9 games this season |
| 01:48 - 01:52 | You festering turd of a traitor, did you even see his performance against Atletico Madrid? |
| 01:53 - 01:54 | Best display I've ever seen from a keeper. |
| 01:56 - 01:57 | So what he's only 20? |
| 01:57 - 02:00 | So what if he's never won a major trophy? His time will come. |
| 02:00 - 02:03 | Didn't those idiots over at FIFA even watch him last season playing for RCD Espanyol B? |
| 02:04 - 02:08 | Phenomenal displays of agility week after week after fucking week. |
| 02:08 - 02:13 | If he doesn't deserve the award, then who the hell does? What more could he have given? |
| 02:14 - 02:16 | The man's a bloody wall in defence. An absolute wall. |
| 02:17 - 02:21 | I'm telling you, that bloke is made of bricks and cement. |
| 02:27 - 02:29 | And those other tossers over at the Camp Nou... |
| 02:30 - 02:32 | Ye we get it, you can pass the bloody ball. |
| 02:32 - 02:34 | But tica-fucking-taca. That's all you've got. |
| 02:34 - 02:36 | Let's see you putting the gloves on for once, lads. |
| 02:41 - 02:42 | A dark, dark day. |
| 02:43 - 02:47 | What are FIFA looking for? They say it's a competition where talent will triumph. |
| 02:48 - 02:53 | Well, it doesn't take Gary fucking Lineker to realise this kid's got talent. |
| 02:54 - 02:56 | I may not be a Sky Sports pundit. |
| 02:56 - 02:59 | But, my God, I know the X Factor when I see it. |
| 03:00 - 03:02 | And if Pau doesn't have it, then I don't know who does. |
| 03:04 - 03:07 | There's always next year. |
| 03:14 - 03:16 | I really thought this was his year. |
| 03:19 - 03:23 | I thought that performance at home to Malaga would have sealed the deal. |
| 03:25 - 03:26 | Today, football lost. |
| 03:31 - 03:33 | Today, we all lost. |
| 03:40 - 03:46 | Why don't you take those tickets and send them back to Sepp Blatter over at FIFA HQ. |
| 03:46 - 03:49 | Tell him to shove them up his fat Swiss asshole. |
| 03:53 - 03:56 | Your time will come, Pau. |
