| 00:00 - 00:03 | Our secret new policy has been leaked to the press |
| 00:04 - 00:05 | Protesters are amassing south of the city |
| 00:05 - 00:07 | From here, to there |
| 00:08 - 00:12 | They look like normal, happy people waving rainbow flags |
| 00:12 - 00:15 | They could be heading toward City Creek mall, which has our tenants worried |
| 00:17 - 00:19 | Just have Otterson interview Christofferson |
| 00:19 - 00:21 | He can blame it all on Jesus |
| 00:24 - 00:26 | My Fuhrer |
| 00:27 - 00:28 | Christofferson |
| 00:31 - 00:33 | Christofferson already gave an interview and it was an epic fail |
| 00:34 - 00:36 | He was totally unconvincing and we still look like a bunch of old bigots |
| 00:53 - 00:58 | Everybody leave except Eyring, Uchtdorf, Nelson, and Oaks |
| 01:13 - 01:15 | What in Joseph's name is going on?! |
| 01:15 - 01:17 | Before the Internet our prophets married teenage girls without anyone knowing |
| 01:18 - 01:23 | Now we can't even fart without the whole world hearing about it! |
| 01:25 - 01:28 | Oaks, this was all your idea! |
| 01:29 - 01:31 | Let's kick out the kids, you said! |
| 01:31 - 01:34 | We have to send a clear message, you said! |
| 01:34 - 01:37 | Well, they got the message and now they know we're homophobic bigots! |
| 01:37 - 01:40 | Why did we waste millions on that stupid Mormons and Gays website?! |
| 01:40 - 01:42 | My Fuhrer, President Newsroom told us we had to improve our public image |
| 01:42 - 01:46 | The public image you destroyed with all that Prop 8 crap! |
| 01:46 - 01:48 | My Fuhrer, the business analysts said we should get in bed with the Conservative Christians |
| 01:48 - 01:52 | The Conservative Christians hate us even more than we hate the gays! |
| 01:53 - 01:54 | They say we're not even Christians! |
| 01:56 - 01:57 | They talk gibberish and call it "speaking in tongues", like this |
| 01:57 - 02:00 | [Hitler speaks in tongues] |
| 02:00 - 02:03 | [Hitler continues to speak in tongues] |
| 02:04 - 02:08 | Does that sound like post-Enlightenment, rationalized Christianity to you?! |
| 02:08 - 02:13 | We might as well march with the Westboro Baptist church carrying "God hates fags" signs! |
| 02:14 - 02:16 | Or start snake handling in General Conference! |
| 02:17 - 02:21 | We've made ourselves look like heartless and ruthless tyrants like Stalin! |
| 02:27 - 02:29 | Half of the time I don't even know who I am anymore |
| 02:30 - 02:34 | Sometimes I find myself beating my chest for no reason |
| 02:34 - 02:36 | Or flexing in the mirror just to make sure I've still got it |
| 02:41 - 02:42 | And yet |
| 02:43 - 02:47 | even I can see how totally un-Christian and absurd this new policy is |
| 02:48 - 02:53 | We say God requires everyone eight years old and above to get baptized |
| 02:54 - 02:56 | Then we tell a group of children we won't baptize them |
| 02:56 - 02:59 | We say children need the Gift of the Holy Ghost to make good choices in their youth |
| 03:00 - 03:02 | Then we tell a group of children we won't give them that Gift! |
| 03:04 - 03:07 | Don't worry Anna, they probably don't know we live together |
| 03:14 - 03:16 | We tell children they aren't at fault for their parents' sins |
| 03:19 - 03:23 | Then we tell children they can't be baptized if one of their parents commits a certain sin |
| 03:25 - 03:26 | It's absurd |
| 03:31 - 03:33 | By now it's become obvious |
| 03:40 - 03:46 | that we aren't really prophets, not a one of us has seen or spoken to God, ever |
| 03:46 - 03:49 | and our priesthood keys were invented by Joseph |
| 03:53 - 03:56 | with his magic seer stone |
