00:00 - 00:03Our secret new policy has been leaked to the press
00:04 - 00:05Protesters are amassing south of the city
00:05 - 00:07From here, to there
00:08 - 00:12They look like normal, happy people waving rainbow flags
00:12 - 00:15They could be heading toward City Creek mall, which has our tenants worried
00:17 - 00:19Just have Otterson interview Christofferson
00:19 - 00:21He can blame it all on Jesus
00:24 - 00:26My Fuhrer
00:27 - 00:28Christofferson
00:31 - 00:33Christofferson already gave an interview and it was an epic fail
00:34 - 00:36He was totally unconvincing and we still look like a bunch of old bigots
00:53 - 00:58Everybody leave except Eyring, Uchtdorf, Nelson, and Oaks
01:13 - 01:15What in Joseph's name is going on?!
01:15 - 01:17Before the Internet our prophets married teenage girls without anyone knowing
01:18 - 01:23Now we can't even fart without the whole world hearing about it!
01:25 - 01:28Oaks, this was all your idea!
01:29 - 01:31Let's kick out the kids, you said!
01:31 - 01:34We have to send a clear message, you said!
01:34 - 01:37Well, they got the message and now they know we're homophobic bigots!
01:37 - 01:40Why did we waste millions on that stupid Mormons and Gays website?!
01:40 - 01:42My Fuhrer, President Newsroom told us we had to improve our public image
01:42 - 01:46The public image you destroyed with all that Prop 8 crap!
01:46 - 01:48My Fuhrer, the business analysts said we should get in bed with the Conservative Christians
01:48 - 01:52The Conservative Christians hate us even more than we hate the gays!
01:53 - 01:54They say we're not even Christians!
01:56 - 01:57They talk gibberish and call it "speaking in tongues", like this
01:57 - 02:00[Hitler speaks in tongues]
02:00 - 02:03[Hitler continues to speak in tongues]
02:04 - 02:08Does that sound like post-Enlightenment, rationalized Christianity to you?!
02:08 - 02:13We might as well march with the Westboro Baptist church carrying "God hates fags" signs!
02:14 - 02:16Or start snake handling in General Conference!
02:17 - 02:21We've made ourselves look like heartless and ruthless tyrants like Stalin!
02:27 - 02:29Half of the time I don't even know who I am anymore
02:30 - 02:34Sometimes I find myself beating my chest for no reason
02:34 - 02:36Or flexing in the mirror just to make sure I've still got it
02:41 - 02:42And yet
02:43 - 02:47even I can see how totally un-Christian and absurd this new policy is
02:48 - 02:53We say God requires everyone eight years old and above to get baptized
02:54 - 02:56Then we tell a group of children we won't baptize them
02:56 - 02:59We say children need the Gift of the Holy Ghost to make good choices in their youth
03:00 - 03:02Then we tell a group of children we won't give them that Gift!
03:04 - 03:07Don't worry Anna, they probably don't know we live together
03:14 - 03:16We tell children they aren't at fault for their parents' sins
03:19 - 03:23Then we tell children they can't be baptized if one of their parents commits a certain sin
03:25 - 03:26It's absurd
03:31 - 03:33By now it's become obvious
03:40 - 03:46that we aren't really prophets, not a one of us has seen or spoken to God, ever
03:46 - 03:49and our priesthood keys were invented by Joseph
03:53 - 03:56with his magic seer stone