00:00 - 00:03Sir, our IT operations are down.
00:04 - 00:05The computers are down.
00:05 - 00:07Phones, printers, and the Juicero are encrypted.
00:08 - 00:12We're infected with Petya. It's ransomware.
00:12 - 00:15It's asking for $300 in bitcoin.
00:17 - 00:19I'm not going pay.
00:19 - 00:21Restore from backups.
00:24 - 00:26Sir...
00:27 - 00:28Unfortunately...
00:31 - 00:33We tried to restore.
00:34 - 00:36The backups failed.
00:53 - 00:58Everyone without a CISSP, GSEC, or CISM... get out.
01:13 - 01:15How could this happen!?
01:15 - 01:17152 threat intel feeds, 8 next-gen AV products.
01:18 - 01:23A 9-figure security budget.
01:25 - 01:28Gartner magic quadrant my ass!
01:29 - 01:31I sent you to Defcon to stop this shit.
01:31 - 01:34Here we are again, only a month after WannaCry.
01:34 - 01:37You had since March to patch.
01:37 - 01:40Since MARCH! MARCH!
01:40 - 01:42Sir, we patched. We did.
01:42 - 01:46Then why is my Juicero encrypted?
01:46 - 01:48Sir, this is new. Sophisticated.
01:48 - 01:52That's what PR wonks say to noobs.
01:53 - 01:54CISSP bullshit.
01:56 - 01:57MalwareTech had a kill-switch.
01:57 - 02:00We sent him pizza, beer, and a barber.
02:00 - 02:03We read Robert Graham's blog together every morning.
02:04 - 02:08We did security awareness training.
02:08 - 02:13And we're still hacked every week like Yahoo!
02:14 - 02:16I'm sick of getting calls from Brian Krebs.
02:17 - 02:21The grugq always trolling us on twitter.
02:27 - 02:29I just want one uneventful weekend.
02:30 - 02:34Is that too much to ask?
02:34 - 02:36If it's not one thing, it's Tavis Ormandy.
02:41 - 02:42No dropping 0-days on Friday!
02:43 - 02:47If not Tavis, it's the Shadowbrokers.
02:48 - 02:53I can't even understand what they're are saying.
02:54 - 02:56Like John Malkovich reading leet speak...
02:56 - 02:59...with a Russian accent
03:00 - 03:02I swear we'll switch from Windows to Mac.
03:04 - 03:07Don't worry. We'll have VMs.
03:14 - 03:16I hate saying this...
03:19 - 03:23At least if we pay we'll get our data back.
03:25 - 03:26It's only $300.
03:31 - 03:33We need to buy more bitcoins.
03:40 - 03:46What I'm going to say to our cyber-insurer.
03:46 - 03:49The board is going to scapegoat me.
03:53 - 03:56This must be what Bob Lord feels like.