Sir, our IT operations are down.
The computers are down.
Phones, printers, and the Juicero are encrypted.
We're infected with Petya. It's ransomware.
It's asking for $300 in bitcoin.
I'm not going pay.
Restore from backups.
We tried to restore.
The backups failed.
Everyone without a CISSP, GSEC, or CISM... get out.
How could this happen!?
152 threat intel feeds, 8 next-gen AV products.
A 9-figure security budget.
Gartner magic quadrant my ass!
I sent you to Defcon to stop this shit.
Here we are again, only a month after WannaCry.
You had since March to patch.
Since MARCH! MARCH!
Sir, we patched. We did.
Then why is my Juicero encrypted?
Sir, this is new. Sophisticated.
That's what PR wonks say to noobs.
MalwareTech had a kill-switch.
We sent him pizza, beer, and a barber.
We read Robert Graham's blog together every morning.
We did security awareness training.
And we're still hacked every week like Yahoo!
I'm sick of getting calls from Brian Krebs.
The grugq always trolling us on twitter.
I just want one uneventful weekend.
Is that too much to ask?
If it's not one thing, it's Tavis Ormandy.
No dropping 0-days on Friday!
If not Tavis, it's the Shadowbrokers.
I can't even understand what they're are saying.
Like John Malkovich reading leet speak...
...with a Russian accent
I swear we'll switch from Windows to Mac.
Don't worry. We'll have VMs.
I hate saying this...
At least if we pay we'll get our data back.
It's only $300.
We need to buy more bitcoins.
What I'm going to say to our cyber-insurer.
The board is going to scapegoat me.
This must be what Bob Lord feels like.