Prime Minister May, the exit polls have come in
they are not as we expected
and we should prepare ourselves
for some disappointment
as we may lose outer London seats and not gain seats in Wales
What about Wales then
They seem to hate foreigners now.
We've just lost the Vale of Clwyd....
OK, everybody out except Crosby, Timothy and Larry the Cat
This is a joke
An absolute fucking joke
You told me all I had to do was keep repeating "strong and stable"
and that communist Corbyn would do the rest...
"Hug Abu Hamza" or "nationalise Nandos" or something
But he talked about getting more police
We just needed to win this and we could’ve banned poor people from voting and ruled the country forever.?
You told me if I said I’d “run through a wheat field” people would think I was more relateable ?
But it tested well with the over 65s and...
I sounded about as relatable as John fucking Redwood.
...the shoes anecdote really was popular though
Yes but I made it up, you know I never talk to strangers
I hate the general public
They come to my surgeries with their tiny problems
"My child has cancer and you closed the hospital"
or "You deported my cat because it had funny eyes"
as if I'm capable of human emotions and am supposed to "care"
Has no one worked out from my 6 years as Home Secretary
that I've been trying to kill as many people as possible
because Britain is fundamentally better without any human life at all
Maybe I'm the only true Conservative left
maybe you've all forgotten your vow: "kill the poor"
"Kill the poor and keep house prices up"
Just me and Peter Bone then...
And that prick Osborne is laughing at us from one of his six jobs right now
and I'm going to have to resign
and some idiot like Gove will take over
and he locked himself in the stationery cupboard and had to be rescued
he's completely helpless
Leadsom is on her way in, but we have cyanide
we should've used meme magic
if enough people had shared that meme of me as Pepe as a concentration camp guard
we would've won
we've fucked it royally
At least I'll be able to get back to my hobby of making sculptures out of children's skeletons
I've nearly finished "British summertime"
one day I'll have an exhibition...