| 00:00 - 00:05 | Commander, we have a serious problem |
| 00:07 - 00:09 | The cadets are outside rioting with pitchforks and torches |
| 00:09 - 00:12 | And I believe Cadet St. Martin has a rocket propelled grenade launcher |
| 00:12 - 00:15 | And Quinones just climbed a fucking tree |
| 00:17 - 00:19 | What seems to be the issue? |
| 00:19 - 00:21 | Just have them write an essay about some random shit |
| 00:24 - 00:26 | Commander . . . |
| 00:27 - 00:28 | They are angry . . . |
| 00:31 - 00:33 | They are angry that Gillaspie didn't make Chief |
| 00:34 - 00:36 | They're chanting some shit about your assless chaps |
| 00:53 - 00:58 | Anyone in here who I have not physically beaten with a stack of papers, get the fuck out |
| 01:13 - 01:15 | I thought this was finished when I made him write an essay for you idiots |
| 01:15 - 01:17 | And those are not assless chaps you damned oxygen thief! |
| 01:18 - 01:23 | Those are leather riding trousers that I special ordered . . . |
| 01:25 - 01:28 | From Kink.com |
| 01:29 - 01:31 | They are extemely comfortable |
| 01:31 - 01:34 | Now with Gillaspie, that smug little bastard |
| 01:34 - 01:40 | Just concoct some bullshit about him being arrogant and then lock his ass in the supply room with Barnett and see if he likes that |
| 01:40 - 01:42 | Commander, what about Cadet Pearse? |
| 01:42 - 01:46 | What about him you incompetent shit? Bury him! |
| 01:46 - 01:48 | Commander, what if the other cadets find out we screwed those two? |
| 01:48 - 01:52 | They won't find out, you worthless ferret |
| 01:53 - 01:54 | Just lie! |
| 01:56 - 02:01 | And anyone who does find out won't say a damned word! |
| 02:01 - 02:04 | Anyone who opposes us will have to write an essay |
| 02:05 - 02:08 | Then I will gingerly stroke my mustache |
| 02:09 - 02:12 | And torment them with metaphors about bowling and orienteering |
| 02:12 - 02:16 | And laugh as I watch Pike force feed them Clif bars and protein shakes |
| 02:17 - 02:22 | If that doesn't do the trick, I'll subject them to a lecture about submarines |
| 02:28 - 02:30 | In which I will expound on my many aquatic adventures |
| 02:31 - 02:36 | In a large black tube filled with hundreds of white seamen |
| 02:41 - 02:43 | Ahhh, the good old days |
| 02:43 - 02:46 | Where we would have had captain's mast and thirty lashings for these fuck-ups |
| 02:46 - 02:48 | And where I could have fed asswipes like Edmonds and Crum to fucking sharks |
| 02:48 - 02:50 | And then I could have tied Zorumski to the propeller |
| 02:50 - 02:53 | And laughed like a meth addict pissing himself |
| 02:53 - 02:56 | Now go throw Skittles at the NS-1s and see if that calms them down |
| 02:56 - 03:02 | And if the vets give you any trouble, beat them to death with the cadet handbook |
| 03:05 - 03:08 | Don't worry, Neser, you probably made it |
| 03:14 - 03:17 | What a piece of shit job |
| 03:19 - 03:24 | I have to listen to Barnett going on about the Air Force Academy all fucking day |
| 03:25 - 03:28 | And now this |
| 03:31 - 03:35 | There is only one hope |
| 03:40 - 03:45 | Bring Truini in here for some comic relief |
| 03:45 - 03:49 | Then promote Tirado to Cadet Ensign |
| 03:54 - 03:56 | Then bring me my assless chaps |
