00:00 - 00:03 | The latest polls are in, Dear Leader - |
00:04 - 00:05 | Rev Stuart Campbell has already tweeted the findings. |
00:05 - 00:07 | Good news from Ashcroft + Panelbase, which are rigged; |
00:08 - 00:12 | Also Yougov, which is stuffed with cybernats, |
00:12 - 00:15 | suggesting SNP gains in Glasgow + Dundee. |
00:17 - 00:19 | Why am I not seeing yellow across the whole of Scotland |
00:19 - 00:21 | as my Canadian pollsters predict? |
00:24 - 00:26 | Fat Eck |
00:27 - 00:28 | The Unionists... |
00:31 - 00:33 | The Unionists are using tactical voting agin us! |
00:34 - 00:36 | The 55% can beat oor 45%. |
00:53 - 00:58 | Everyone get oot, except Wishart, MacNeil, Jenkins & Swinney! |
01:13 - 01:15 | Murdoch said it was in the bag! |
01:15 - 01:17 | We told the idiots to vote 'For Scotland'! |
01:18 - 01:23 | The Sun is on oor side, STV, The National + The Sunday Herald! |
01:25 - 01:28 | I published my book with Murdoch - |
01:29 - 01:31 | at a dismal rate of royalties! |
01:31 - 01:34 | Even my tax evasion scheme won't help that much! |
01:34 - 01:37 | The Dream was never meant to die! |
01:37 - 01:40 | I was going to buy a mansion next to Sean Connery! |
01:40 - 01:42 | Mr Salmond, you may still be able to win if you go to Gordon... |
01:42 - 01:46 | Gordon? Fuck that - I belong at Westminster or Gleneagles! |
01:46 - 01:48 | Mr Salmond, what about the 2016 Holyrood election? |
01:48 - 01:52 | The SNP means nothing to me - Scotland betrayed me by voting NO. |
01:53 - 01:54 | I should be King Eck! |
01:56 - 01:57 | Who wants to be First Minister, |
01:57 - 02:00 | having to feign an interest in Health and Education, |
02:00 - 02:03 | without the power to take all the oil tax revenue?! |
02:04 - 02:08 | Holyrood is just a jumped-up local council! |
02:08 - 02:13 | I belong at Westminster, where the real power lies |
02:14 - 02:16 | and 5-star restaurants, befitting my stature! |
02:17 - 02:21 | I need to get away from my old hag of a wife and the ugly, nationalist slags I bang up here. |
02:27 - 02:29 | They have ladyboys in London - |
02:30 - 02:34 | that's a whole different world. They make me feel brand new. |
02:34 - 02:36 | Like that Sassenach bitch at St Andrews. |
02:41 - 02:42 | Call Murdoch! |
02:43 - 02:47 | Call Cameron, Lord Rothermere, the Barclay Brothers, Jeremy Clarkson, Max Clifford and Simon Cowell! |
02:48 - 02:53 | I'm prepared to pose naked, drinking whisky and raping a sheep or a haggis! |
02:54 - 02:56 | I'll do anything to disgust the English, |
02:56 - 02:59 | which will then be used to cause offence to the tartan morons who vote SNP! |
03:00 - 03:02 | They'd never vote for me on the basis of my policies! |
03:04 - 03:07 | Don't worry, Nicola, you won't have to learn any new policies. |
03:14 - 03:16 | Maybe the corporation tax cut will never happen |
03:19 - 03:23 | and I might not get to control the BBC. |
03:25 - 03:26 | Ya bas! |
03:31 - 03:33 | Independence seems unlikely. |
03:40 - 03:46 | Too many Scots are educated and realise we're Better Together as part of the British Union. |
03:46 - 03:49 | They're not dumbed down and bigoted enough yet. |
03:53 - 03:56 | The OAPs must die. |
03:54 - 03:59 | [farts] |