Sir. We have formed DU's Mascot Task Force
Good news. The Student Senate has banned Boone funding
No one noticed that Boone was 100% funded by alumni
We erased Boone & other mascots from the Magness murals
DU's high level donors don't care about mascots
Good. Now the students can vote for a new mascot...
...in an fair & open election
Boone is more popular than ever on campus...
Boone's Facebook Page has more "Likes" than "DU Confessions"
Anyone who still thinks that Boone should become DU's Official Mascot...Leave
This is a fucking joke!
We told everyone that Boone was a polarizing figure on campus
We tried every trick in the book...
to destroy Boone
We banned sales of Boone merchandise
So the fucking Alumni gave away free T-shirts
And sent students to Mascot Boot Camp
Despite all this, Boone is more popular than ever with the students
Sir. The alumni love Boone as well
Then why won't the alumni come to DU basketball games
Sir, they are very busy
Fuck the alumni, students and fans
Don't give me that shit. We gave them the Ruckus mascot
And the Red-Tailed Hawk logo as well!
The alumni are using Boone to poke holes in "Inclusive Excellence"
Claiming no college mascot represents "diversity"
DU must be the first university to repudiate western imagery
So that we can rebrand ourselves Diversity University
Then we can raise tuition to $60,000 a year
But this will not happen as long as Boone is dancing around campus
And visiting Las Vegas during Spring Break
Have you seen the buffet at Caesar's Palace? Its magnificent
We must rig the Student Senate elections...
And fire all pro-Boone faculty
We fired the hockey coach and that should have reeled DU staffers into line
But then the lacrosse coach screwed us by crying at the Press Conference
I also fucking hate that coonskin cap
An astronaut would be a far better mascot for DU
Or an ox or miner...
Don't worry. DU can't kill Boone. They've tried before
Dan Ritchie will be so disappointed in me
The Board will probably throw me out of the Magness Bell Tower
The students mock the Mascot Task Force
The alumni are furious about firing the hockey coach
The hockey coach and Boone fiascos have drained our resources and credibility
Maybe the Mascot Task Force will get lucky
And design a killer Elk costume