| 00:00 - 00:03 | As usual, we will be celebrating Christmas at a cousin's house in New Jersey. |
| 00:04 - 00:05 | We will have an easy ride there, |
| 00:05 - 00:07 | as we will take 295, then turnpike. |
| 00:08 - 00:12 | No needless delays in the gift exchange |
| 00:12 - 00:15 | because with this route, there will be no traffic. |
| 00:16 - 00:19 | And I can fully expect many gifts. One from each cousin. |
| 00:19 - 00:21 | And I can fully expect many gifts. One from each cousin. |
| 00:24 - 00:26 | My Führer... |
| 00:27 - 00:28 | This year... |
| 00:31 - 00:33 | This year we are doing Secret Santa. |
| 00:34 - 00:36 | Only one gift per person. |
| 00:53 - 00:59 | Those who embody the Christmas Spirit, leave now. |
| 01:13 - 01:15 | WHAT IS THIS MADNESS? |
| 01:15 - 01:17 | SUCH A CHRISTMAS IS SIMPLY MADNESS! |
| 01:18 - 01:23 | I USED TO GET TEN GIFTS AND NOW I'M ONLY GETTING ONE! |
| 01:25 - 01:28 | WHAT GENIUS INVENTED SUCH INSUFFICIENT GIFTING? |
| 01:29 - 01:31 | THE BARBER WHO SHAVED MY MUSTACHE? |
| 01:31 - 01:34 | NOW I KNOW WHAT YOU MEANT BY "SS!" |
| 01:34 - 01:37 | HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO HAVE A MERRY CHRISTMAS NOW. |
| 01:37 - 01:40 | THE ONLY THING SECRET ABOUT SANTA IS THAT HE'S FAKE! |
| 01:40 - 01:42 | My Führer, with Secret Santa you'll get exactly what you want- |
| 01:42 - 01:46 | -WHAT I WANT IS QUANTITY - LARGE QUANTITIES |
| 01:46 - 01:48 | My Führer, with Secret Santa holiday shopping is now easier. |
| 01:48 - 01:52 | NO DO NOT GIVE ME YOUR EXCUSES, SIMPLE PLEBIAN. |
| 01:53 - 01:54 | PICK THOSE UP. |
| 01:56 - 01:57 | OH I JUST REALIZED... |
| 01:57 - 02:00 | DOES ANYONE NEED A RIDE HOME AFTER THE GIFT EXCHANGE? |
| 02:00 - 02:04 | CUZ I'LL DEF HAVE ROOM IN MY CAR WHAT WITH MY SINGLE PRESENT & WHATNOT. |
| 02:04 - 02:08 | I DIDN'T KNOW I WORKED WITH THE CREATORS OF "HOW THE GRINCH STOLE CHRISTMAS!" |
| 02:08 - 02:13 | WHAT'S NEXT, I ONLY GET ONE HELPING OF FOOD ON CHRISTMAS? MAYBE A SINGLE COOKIE? |
| 02:14 - 02:16 | I AM LITERALLY HANGING ON A THREAD HERE. |
| 02:17 - 02:22 | AND I SHOULD TERMINATE THAT WEBSITE ELFSTER LIKE THE SOVIETS DID UNDER STALIN! |
| 02:26 - 02:29 | Christmas used to mean something. |
| 02:30 - 02:34 | It was pure bliss to receive gifts. IN MY HEART. |
| 02:34 - 02:37 | Now you want to troll the entire system! |
| 02:40 - 02:42 | And for the last time... |
| 02:43 - 02:47 | UNSUBSCRIBE ME FROM ELFSTER. I DON'T UNDERSTAND THE INTERNET. |
| 02:48 - 02:52 | I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO MANAGE AN ONLINE WISHLIST. |
| 02:53 - 02:56 | AND LAST YEAR I KEPT GETTING ANONYMOUS QUESTIONS. |
| 02:56 - 02:59 | I GOT TOO EXCITED AND REVEALED MY PARTNER. |
| 02:59 - 03:03 | I SWEAR I'LL RUIN THE SURPRISE ON PURPOSE THIS YEAR. |
| 03:03 - 03:08 | Don't worry, I'll make sure he doesn't have you. |
| 03:14 - 03:17 | Someone get my publisher on the line. |
| 03:19 - 03:23 | It seems I have a new chapter for Mein Kampf. |
| 03:25 - 03:27 | Christmas is over. |
| 03:31 - 03:34 | The struggle is real. |
| 03:40 - 03:46 | Can we at least raise the minimum from $50 to $100? |
| 03:46 - 03:50 | Maybe I can hedge my bets. |
| 03:53 - 03:56 | smh |
