| 00:00 - 00:03 | New cases of COVID-19 are breaking out again |
| 00:04 - 00:05 | We believe it started at |
| 00:05 - 00:07 | an officer's wedding south of town |
| 00:08 - 00:12 | 130 soldiers just now tested positive |
| 00:12 - 00:15 | and then went partying here and here |
| 00:17 - 00:19 | But they were all wearing |
| 00:19 - 00:21 | masks like I ordered them to, yes? |
| 00:24 - 00:26 | My Fuhrer |
| 00:27 - 00:28 | Shtiner |
| 00:31 - 00:33 | Shtiner refused to wear his mask in protest |
| 00:34 - 00:36 | And he called you a fascist |
| 00:53 - 00:58 | Everyone can leave now except Yoder, Crapes and Bota |
| 01:13 - 01:15 | 2020 was my year! |
| 01:15 - 01:17 | and now my own Army betrays me |
| 01:18 - 01:23 | social distancing - it's as easy as standing just six feet apart |
| 01:25 - 01:28 | and now my very own sister is infected |
| 01:29 - 01:31 | Who authorized that wedding? |
| 01:31 - 01:34 | We were flattening the curve - yes-yes! |
| 01:34 - 01:37 | And now I - the perfect dictator of the perfect race - |
| 01:37 - 01:40 | must explain why they're all sick |
| 01:40 - 01:42 | My Fuhrer you sound like you have a fever |
| 01:42 - 01:46 | I'm going to put you on a ventilator. In a coma, son! |
| 01:46 - 01:48 | My Fuhrer, I think you have the COVID |
| 01:48 - 01:52 | Not at all, worm face! I am immune to viruses |
| 01:53 - 01:54 | I have the immortality |
| 01:56 - 01:57 | of a non-mortal |
| 01:57 - 02:00 | I am going to say something very important |
| 02:00 - 02:03 | because I am feeling very dictator-like right now: |
| 02:04 - 02:08 | There will be mandatory hand-washing every 2 minutes. |
| 02:08 - 02:13 | And talking will be banned on weekends. And also on weekdays. |
| 02:14 - 02:16 | and for god's sake no more pajama Zoom calls |
| 02:17 - 02:21 | and anyone refusing to social distance will be banned from my Netflix specials |
| 02:27 - 02:29 | All because of a stupid wedding. |
| 02:30 - 02:34 | The virus doesn't know who it's dealing with |
| 02:34 - 02:36 | I am the COVID Crusher |
| 02:41 - 02:42 | Back when we had smallpox |
| 02:43 - 02:47 | my master race blood was injected into the peoples of the world |
| 02:48 - 02:53 | and we eradicated the disease from the planet and galaxy |
| 02:54 - 02:56 | We also got rid of rabies. And hiccups. |
| 02:56 - 02:59 | And now some foreign virus comes to Berlin |
| 03:00 - 03:02 | Forcing people to stay home and watch Tiger King |
| 03:04 - 03:07 | I hear it might be renewed for another season. |
| 03:14 - 03:16 | I have a confession to make |
| 03:19 - 03:23 | I can't believe I'm about to say this but ... |
| 03:25 - 03:26 | I was at that wedding. |
| 03:31 - 03:33 | I'm afraid you're all infected |
| 03:40 - 03:46 | Army Surplus ran out of face coverings, and I sneezed right on the wedding cake |
| 03:46 - 03:49 | I need you to make a Costco run ... |
| 03:53 - 03:56 | and get me some toilet paper. |
