| 00:00 - 00:03 | They've completely sold out of loo roll |
| 00:04 - 00:05 | in Sainsburys and Morrisons |
| 00:05 - 00:07 | even Lidl out of town |
| 00:08 - 00:12 | my mate said the new Aldi has a pallet arriving on Wednesday |
| 00:12 - 00:15 | but for now your best bet is Londis in the centre |
| 00:17 - 00:19 | There must be loads on its way |
| 00:19 - 00:21 | We'll get it all very soon |
| 00:24 - 00:26 | There's something else |
| 00:27 - 00:28 | The pubs |
| 00:31 - 00:33 | The pubs are all closed, and... |
| 00:34 - 00:36 | you've got to stay at home for a month |
| 00:53 - 00:58 | Please leave if you've got eggs, loo roll, paracetemol, or booze at home... |
| 01:13 - 01:15 | I REALLY NEED A SHIT! |
| 01:15 - 01:17 | I WANT A DRINK! |
| 01:18 - 01:23 | If I have to spend all day with my stinking kids watching Peppa |
| 01:25 - 01:28 | Homeschooling them about shit I don't understand... |
| 01:29 - 01:31 | I mean, what the fuck is a NOUN?! |
| 01:31 - 01:34 | I HATE LEARNING |
| 01:34 - 01:37 | Doing Primary School maths makes me realise |
| 01:37 - 01:40 | HOW STUPID I REALLY AM! |
| 01:40 - 01:42 | Set up a home gym. Joe Wicks is excellent. |
| 01:42 - 01:46 | Yes! He is, his hair is EXQUISITE! |
| 01:46 - 01:48 | I am studying nutrition so I can get a 6 pack |
| 01:48 - 01:52 | Shove your 6 pack up your bum |
| 01:53 - 01:54 | SELF ISOLATION! |
| 01:56 - 01:57 | The best thing about England is |
| 01:57 - 02:00 | Drinking in beer gardens, eating chips by the sea and |
| 02:00 - 02:03 | Saying 'Good Morning' to strangers... |
| 02:04 - 02:08 | Chit chat in the queue at the supermarket... |
| 02:08 - 02:13 | and NOT USING A HAND TOWEL TO WIPE YOUR ASS |
| 02:14 - 02:16 | And now there's no paracetemol for my headache |
| 02:17 - 02:21 | I don't want to play Monopoly with Mrs Hitler, or, in fact, Stalin |
| 02:27 - 02:29 | I don't want to learn to bake |
| 02:30 - 02:34 | I never liked cooking before |
| 02:34 - 02:36 | So why would I start baking bread now? |
| 02:41 - 02:42 | I could re-paint the kitchen |
| 02:43 - 02:47 | But I don't have any paint |
| 02:48 - 02:53 | I could fix the garden up |
| 02:54 - 02:56 | But I can't get rid of the cut grass |
| 02:56 - 02:59 | and anyway I fucking hate gardening! |
| 03:00 - 03:02 | and after all, I still can't take a shit at home |
| 03:04 - 03:07 | I've got some emergency Kleenex in case you get bum wee |
| 03:14 - 03:16 | At least, after all |
| 03:19 - 03:23 | We've got Netflix |
| 03:25 - 03:26 | and Disney + |
| 03:31 - 03:33 | It's got excellent new content |
| 03:40 - 03:46 | and all your old favourites |
| 03:46 - 03:49 | Yesterday I watched The Little Mermaid again |
| 03:53 - 03:56 | I love that sexy Dolphin |
