| 00:00 - 00:03 | We have 10 SAFe agile trains averaging |
| 00:04 - 00:05 | 40 points per agile team |
| 00:05 - 00:07 | There are 55 features in the backlog |
| 00:08 - 00:12 | ready to be broken down by program team |
| 00:12 - 00:15 | and another 40 in the funnel for deliberation |
| 00:17 - 00:19 | So we're on target this year |
| 00:19 - 00:21 | and will complete the everything on schedule |
| 00:24 - 00:26 | Mein Fuerer |
| 00:27 - 00:28 | We |
| 00:31 - 00:33 | We haven't actually completed anything |
| 00:34 - 00:36 | and our engineers are leaving us... |
| 00:53 - 00:58 | If you have never worked as an IT engineer, leave now |
| 01:13 - 01:15 | What were you thinking?! |
| 01:15 - 01:17 | Who the hell takes the top engineers and forces |
| 01:18 - 01:23 | them to manage a backlog instead of doing actual work! |
| 01:25 - 01:28 | Just because it has the word Agile in it |
| 01:29 - 01:31 | doesn't mean it's going to work |
| 01:31 - 01:34 | You drank the agile coach's kool-aide and asked for more! |
| 01:34 - 01:37 | I could have stayed using Kanban or plain old Scrum |
| 01:37 - 01:40 | Even then our stupid ager-fall scaled better than SAFe! |
| 01:40 - 01:42 | But SAFe has a certification program and we're using version 5! |
| 01:42 - 01:46 | Do you know what the hell does version 5 acually means?! |
| 01:46 - 01:48 | Mein Fuerer, version 6 can solve this. |
| 01:48 - 01:52 | With another 10 RTEs and 20 agile coaches!? |
| 01:53 - 01:54 | What's next, 10M in training!? |
| 01:56 - 01:57 | And don't mention DevOps |
| 01:57 - 02:00 | You think because someone used the command line they're a DevOps engineer! |
| 02:00 - 02:03 | We finally get to use a modern tool stack |
| 02:04 - 02:08 | but your senior engineers have been managing 3rd party for so long |
| 02:08 - 02:13 | that they don't even know how to make Hello World in Scratch! |
| 02:14 - 02:16 | My 7 year old can do that in his sleep! |
| 02:17 - 02:21 | And why do you need to use Rally to track work |
| 02:27 - 02:29 | Instead of Jira or a card wall? |
| 02:30 - 02:34 | I will build my own team that has no 3rd party |
| 02:34 - 02:36 | and can be fed with 2 pizzas |
| 02:41 - 02:42 | With a cardwall a good PO |
| 02:43 - 02:47 | SAFe can go straight to hell from which it came |
| 02:48 - 02:53 | It's such a terrible framework that no body can even find the customer on the roadmap! |
| 02:54 - 02:56 | It removes all accountability |
| 02:56 - 02:59 | and replaces it with more bureaucracy than congress! |
| 03:00 - 03:02 | And don't mention "offshore model", worthless! |
| 03:04 - 03:07 | It's ok, nearshore teams start next week |
| 03:14 - 03:16 | We're putting so much effort into this |
| 03:19 - 03:23 | Maybe we should just go back to waterfall |
| 03:24 - 03:26 | Something was delivered at least... |
| 03:31 - 03:33 | And I can't wait to touch the mainframe |
| 03:40 - 03:46 | We'll probably have only 1 person actually alive who know how it works. |
| 03:46 - 03:49 | Maybe we'll get lucky and can migrate to the cloud |
| 03:53 - 03:56 | I hear IBM is working on that. |
