| 00:00 - 00:03 | Scott, cabinet is very worried |
| 00:04 - 00:05 | Albanese thinks he's got you |
| 00:05 - 00:07 | So does Dreyfus |
| 00:08 - 00:12 | Everybody's talking about whether you misled parliament or not |
| 00:12 - 00:15 | It's all about the meaning of the word eligible |
| 00:17 - 00:18 | Have faith in me |
| 00:19 - 00:21 | This is Scotty from marketing. I won't let you down |
| 00:24 - 00:26 | The fate of the government |
| 00:27 - 00:28 | Rests on you |
| 00:31 - 00:33 | We've done a pub test around Australia |
| 00:34 - 00:36 | You only passed in the pub for deaf and blind |
| 00:53 - 00:58 | Anybody who thinks that they've got me trapped should leave now |
| 01:13 - 01:15 | You fuckwits have not been watching Trump |
| 01:15 - 01:17 | He's trying to bend the law |
| 01:18 - 01:23 | I am the Uri Geller of law bending |
| 01:25 - 01:28 | We will hold a royal commission about the meaning of the word eligible |
| 01:29 - 01:31 | This could be the longest Royal Commision ever |
| 01:31 - 01:34 | I'll make sure they never reach a conclusion |
| 01:34 - 01:37 | Michaelia Cash, that devious little vixen worked it out |
| 01:37 - 01:40 | The next election will be here before they are finished |
| 01:40 - 01:42 | It'll be a miracle if you can spin it out that long |
| 01:42 - 01:46 | Miracles are my specialty. I'll table the motion for the Royal commission and catch them by surprise |
| 01:46 - 01:48 | That is pretty devious even by your standards |
| 01:48 - 01:52 | How dare you talk about my standards! I haven't got any |
| 01:53 - 01:54 | The Commissioner will be a Vegan |
| 01:56 - 01:57 | Porkies will be thrown out of court |
| 01:57 - 02:00 | Rowena Orr from the Banking RC will assist . She never gives in |
| 02:00 - 02:03 | Orr versus Cormann. She'll never get a straight answer out of him |
| 02:04 - 02:08 | He'll be like The Delphic Oracle on steroids. |
| 02:08 - 02:13 | She always answered in riddles. Wait until she traps Bridget McKenzie. |
| 02:14 - 02:16 | She'll have her caught between Syphilis and Chlamidia |
| 02:17 - 02:21 | I mean Scylla and Charybdis - I got my biblical verses confused |
| 02:27 - 02:29 | How can I tamper with the witnesses legally? |
| 02:30 - 02:34 | We'll make sure the clubs that missed out don't testify against us |
| 02:34 - 02:36 | We'll give them a world tour of womens' change sheds |
| 02:41 - 02:42 | Only clubs that missed out will be eligible |
| 02:43 - 02:47 | Clubs that weren't eligible originally will now be eligible. |
| 02:48 - 02:53 | That will confuse the issue more than ever. Nobody will know which end is up |
| 02:54 - 02:56 | Philip Gaetjens is bound to be a witness |
| 02:56 - 02:59 | He will claim that he was temporarily colourblind |
| 03:00 - 03:02 | And in any case was confused what the colours meant |
| 03:04 - 03:07 | He really believes in miracles.How will he get away with this? |
| 03:14 - 03:16 | We will appoint five different commissioners |
| 03:19 - 03:23 | One for each state. That should slow things down. |
| 03:25 - 03:26 | Then we'll bury the reports |
| 03:31 - 03:33 | They will never see the light of day |
| 03:40 - 03:46 | It should take months to examine how the Labor party used the word eligible |
| 03:46 - 03:49 | History will remember Teflon Trump and Putin the Great |
| 03:53 - 03:56 | but at least I'll be remembered as Miracle Morrison |
