| 00:00 - 00:03 | Herr Hitler, The Cold Water Championships start in January. |
| 00:04 - 00:05 | Acclimatisation plans are in place. |
| 00:05 - 00:07 | We fly from Berlin. |
| 00:08 - 00:12 | Directly to Tooting for immediate practice swims. |
| 00:12 - 00:15 | The Lido is bigger than these in Berlin but not heated. |
| 00:17 - 00:19 | Not heated and no wetsuits? |
| 00:19 - 00:21 | Thank God they have a sauna there. |
| 00:24 - 00:26 | Mein Führer |
| 00:27 - 00:28 | Steiner |
| 00:31 - 00:33 | They refuse to open the sauna until November. |
| 00:34 - 00:36 | It's ridiculous, I know. |
| 00:53 - 00:58 | Leave the room if you own a wetsuit or gloves and booties. |
| 01:13 - 01:15 | You stupid imbeciles! |
| 01:15 - 01:17 | They are out of their tiny bloody minds. |
| 01:18 - 01:23 | I need a sauna. Not in sodding November. NOW! |
| 01:25 - 01:28 | That water is absolutely frigging freezing! |
| 01:29 - 01:31 | Don't cry |
| 01:31 - 01:34 | It's like your ball is in a vice. |
| 01:34 - 01:37 | My lips go all numb and my dick goes the size of a chipolata. |
| 01:37 - 01:40 | Stanton Cross? He'll be flaming furious! |
| 01:40 - 01:42 | Führer, you can make yourself coffee in the cafe. |
| 01:42 - 01:46 | Drink coffee? I end up spilling it everywhere, like I've wet myself. |
| 01:46 - 01:48 | Mein Führer you'll be warm enough to sign the birthday cards. |
| 01:48 - 01:52 | This has Rentoul's fingers all over it. Sign a card? |
| 01:53 - 01:54 | I can't hold a pencil. |
| 01:56 - 01:57 | I'm shaking with cold. |
| 01:57 - 02:00 | My signature will look like a five year old's. |
| 02:00 - 02:03 | They won't be looking at her fancy cards, just my scribble. |
| 02:04 - 02:08 | If Giles was here none of this would have happened. |
| 02:08 - 02:13 | He would have turned it on and overruled the bloody minions. |
| 02:14 - 02:16 | Instead he abandoned his presidency for the seaside. |
| 02:17 - 02:21 | If it's under 10º it's meant to be on but that pocket rocket is worse than Stalin. |
| 02:27 - 02:29 | Now she's worried about swimmer safety. |
| 02:30 - 02:34 | The dodgy Doc would do it. She'd give the go ahead? |
| 02:34 - 02:36 | And what topics will the librarians talk about? |
| 02:41 - 02:42 | Dickheads! |
| 02:43 - 02:47 | I wanted to join Zumba at the Lido. But I'd look like a complete utter fool. |
| 02:48 - 02:53 | Now Herr Pip will want me for another bloody channel relay instead. |
| 02:54 - 02:56 | Tooting's become a laughing stock. |
| 02:56 - 02:59 | Even Brockwell and Parliament Hill have saunas. |
| 03:00 - 03:02 | I wanted to take Doreen for her annual swim. |
| 03:04 - 03:07 | Don't worry Doreen will be ok |
| 03:14 - 03:16 | She has over 90 years cold water experience. |
| 03:19 - 03:23 | I want her secret but she'll never join me now. |
| 03:25 - 03:26 | It's too cold. |
| 03:31 - 03:33 | My Sunday races are over. |
| 03:40 - 03:46 | I'll never win the Christmas Cup. I'd saved Nazi gold to bribe the handicappers. |
| 03:46 - 03:49 | Scones aren't enough for Barry and Frau Sue. |
| 03:53 - 03:56 | I'm ending it. |
