| 00:00 - 00:05 | Last General Assembly, they say to me, "Secretary General. We're in dire straits. We need to grow the Union... |
| 00:05 - 00:07 | "or we will lose all our influence... how will our egos cope?" |
| 00:07 - 00:10 | We'd already lost the Patagonians... and then bloody Atlantis walked away too |
| 00:11 - 00:16 | decided they didn't need us any more... so I fixed it... |
| 00:17 - 00:21 | International Conference of Young Underwater Basketweavers... |
| 00:21 - 00:24 | Genius. |
| 00:29 - 00:31 | Young underwater basketweavers. |
| 00:31 - 00:34 | They bought it hook, line and sinker... |
| 00:38 - 00:40 | Young underwater basketweavers. |
| 00:41 - 00:47 | Tell them it's a prestigious conference, they can showcase their underwater basketweaving on the world stage... It's an IUUBS-endorsed conference... |
| 00:47 - 00:50 | Even let one or two of them have a keynote talk... |
| 00:50 - 00:56 | These EMCRs are so desperate to survive this Ponzi scheme we made... |
| 00:58 - 00:59 | Endorsed only means they can use our name... |
| 00:59 - 01:01 | We didn't provide them a red cent in financial support... |
| 01:04 - 01:06 | The poor bastards had to get the organising company to underwrite the conference. |
| 01:06 - 01:08 | And then we asked them to provide us free registration and local expenses to attend... |
| 01:13 - 01:14 | To hand out prizes... |
| 01:14 - 01:16 | All we bloody do is go to conferences to hand out prizes... |
| 01:16 - 01:20 | We even created a Global Leadership and Service Award... |
| 01:21 - 01:27 | To stroke the egos of mid-level departmental bureaucrats who gain us favour with their government. |
| 01:35 - 01:36 | It was even awarded to me one time... |
| 01:36 - 01:39 | Such a prestigious addition to my enormous CV... |
| 01:41 - 01:44 | But seriously, how do we get this to grow the Union? |
| 01:44 - 01:47 | We need to think about our Union's financial future... |
| 01:47 - 01:49 | And our ability to exert control and stroke our egos... |
| 01:50 - 01:53 | We told them any profits from the conference should be donated back to IUUBS... |
| 01:54 - 01:56 | Donated... |
| 01:56 - 01:58 | Back to us... |
| 01:58 - 02:02 | We didn't contribute a cent... the local committee and their organisers had to bankroll the whole thing... |
| 02:05 - 02:07 | No risk... |
| 02:10 - 02:11 | It's bloody hilarious... |
| 02:11 - 02:13 | All these desperate EMCRs funded it with their registrations... |
| 02:15 - 02:17 | We have $US50,000 a year in annual budget... |
| 02:17 - 02:20 | 50% of it gets spent on a person to update our IUUBS website... |
| 02:21 - 02:28 | It's 10 pages and we haven't updated the fucking thing in years... I'm not even sure anyone even looks at the damn thing. |
| 02:29 - 02:30 | It just sits there? |
| 02:30 - 02:32 | It just sits there. |
| 02:36 - 02:39 | ...except for the bits on our prestigious awards... we're diligent about that... |
| 02:40 - 02:42 | to make sure people trust our exceptional CVs. |
| 02:50 - 02:55 | It really is all just about making sure we can keep our CVs dominant in grant schemes. |
| 02:56 - 02:58 | Does it get any funnier than this? |
| 02:58 - 03:04 | What, aside from only 14 of 193 countries recognised by the UN being members of the International Union? |
| 03:04 - 03:09 | Fourteen... or that almost all of that 14 are from the same geographical block perhaps? |
| 03:09 - 03:11 | Aye, let me tell you something that will really blow your mind... |
| 03:16 - 03:20 | I live in Atlantis... |
| 03:23 - 03:26 | Atlantis... the headquarters and over $150,000 in IUUBS assets are held here. |
| 03:31 - 03:36 | And we don't have a single cent available to support the International Young Underwater Basketweavers Conference though. |
