Sir, we've submitted two applications for you;
one at the U, and the other at Penn.
The U has responded to us,
and you were accepted!
We anticipate that you will start the program in Fall of 2019.
Thank you for the update, though I anticipate
that Penn will accept me, and I will do that program.
Penn sent us an email this morning, and, regretfully,
they informed us that you were not accepted.
Everyone who is an alumnus of the U, please leave the room. Now.
It's because I'm white!
I knew that they would pull the diversity card on me!
As soon as they started talking "diversity" and "community", I knew it was a lost cause.
So much for their talk of "inclusion" and "merit-based admissions".
I performed admirably in my calculus class!
I spent hours working on my application materials,
and don't get me started on the beautiful essay that I wrote!
It was a work of art; should have won a Pulitzer prize!
Sir, the U does have an excellent program, I'm a Ute myself.
Don't patronize me! I have a reputation to maintain!
Sir, the U's School of Computing is known worldwide.
I'm aware of that, but you don't have an office full of Ute coworkers
who you have to see everyday!
I'll never live it down!
My boss is the most vocal of the bunch
And now he'll get to gloat about me becoming a Ute!
He'll never let me hear the end of it!
It's bad enough that I feel guilty for turning my back on my alma mater,
but now I have to deal with him reminding me about it all the time.
I'll be in for worse treatment than the people of Russia received at the hands of Stalin!
Please forgive my outburst.
I'm just very upset because, inside of me,
I am a Cougar!
And I don't know
if I'll be able to stoop so low as to become a Ute!
This will, in truth, be my darkest hour!
You incompetent fools.
Why couldn't you get me into Penn?
You had one job, and you failed colossally!
It's okay! The Utes are better at football anyway.
I'll be alright, I suppose.
"This too shall pass", as they say.
the U can't be that bad.
And, focusing on the pluses, I won't have to be sad the next time that Utah beats BYU in football.
And they'll let me have a real beard, rather than
this gross toothbrush mustache.