00:00 - 00:03Sir, we've submitted two applications for you;
00:04 - 00:05one at the U, and the other at Penn.
00:05 - 00:07The U has responded to us,
00:08 - 00:12and you were accepted!
00:12 - 00:15We anticipate that you will start the program in Fall of 2019.
00:17 - 00:19Thank you for the update, though I anticipate
00:19 - 00:21that Penn will accept me, and I will do that program.
00:24 - 00:26Sir
00:27 - 00:28Penn
00:31 - 00:33Penn sent us an email this morning, and, regretfully,
00:34 - 00:36they informed us that you were not accepted.
00:53 - 00:58Everyone who is an alumnus of the U, please leave the room. Now.
01:13 - 01:15It's because I'm white!
01:15 - 01:17I knew that they would pull the diversity card on me!
01:18 - 01:23As soon as they started talking "diversity" and "community", I knew it was a lost cause.
01:25 - 01:28So much for their talk of "inclusion" and "merit-based admissions".
01:29 - 01:31I performed admirably in my calculus class!
01:31 - 01:34I spent hours working on my application materials,
01:34 - 01:37and don't get me started on the beautiful essay that I wrote!
01:37 - 01:40It was a work of art; should have won a Pulitzer prize!
01:40 - 01:42Sir, the U does have an excellent program, I'm a Ute myself.
01:42 - 01:46Don't patronize me! I have a reputation to maintain!
01:46 - 01:48Sir, the U's School of Computing is known worldwide.
01:48 - 01:52I'm aware of that, but you don't have an office full of Ute coworkers
01:53 - 01:54who you have to see everyday!
01:56 - 01:57I'll never live it down!
01:57 - 02:00My boss is the most vocal of the bunch
02:00 - 02:03And now he'll get to gloat about me becoming a Ute!
02:04 - 02:08He'll never let me hear the end of it!
02:08 - 02:13It's bad enough that I feel guilty for turning my back on my alma mater,
02:14 - 02:16but now I have to deal with him reminding me about it all the time.
02:17 - 02:21I'll be in for worse treatment than the people of Russia received at the hands of Stalin!
02:27 - 02:29Please forgive my outburst.
02:30 - 02:34I'm just very upset because, inside of me,
02:34 - 02:36I am a Cougar!
02:41 - 02:42And I don't know
02:43 - 02:47if I'll be able to stoop so low as to become a Ute!
02:48 - 02:53This will, in truth, be my darkest hour!
02:54 - 02:56You incompetent fools.
02:56 - 02:59Why couldn't you get me into Penn?
03:00 - 03:02You had one job, and you failed colossally!
03:04 - 03:07It's okay! The Utes are better at football anyway.
03:14 - 03:16I'll be alright, I suppose.
03:19 - 03:23"This too shall pass", as they say.
03:25 - 03:26After all
03:31 - 03:33the U can't be that bad.
03:40 - 03:46And, focusing on the pluses, I won't have to be sad the next time that Utah beats BYU in football.
03:46 - 03:49And they'll let me have a real beard, rather than
03:53 - 03:56this gross toothbrush mustache.