| 00:00 - 00:03 | Sir, we've submitted two applications for you; |
| 00:04 - 00:05 | one at the U, and the other at Penn. |
| 00:05 - 00:07 | The U has responded to us, |
| 00:08 - 00:12 | and you were accepted! |
| 00:12 - 00:15 | We anticipate that you will start the program in Fall of 2019. |
| 00:17 - 00:19 | Thank you for the update, though I anticipate |
| 00:19 - 00:21 | that Penn will accept me, and I will do that program. |
| 00:24 - 00:26 | Sir |
| 00:27 - 00:28 | Penn |
| 00:31 - 00:33 | Penn sent us an email this morning, and, regretfully, |
| 00:34 - 00:36 | they informed us that you were not accepted. |
| 00:53 - 00:58 | Everyone who is an alumnus of the U, please leave the room. Now. |
| 01:13 - 01:15 | It's because I'm white! |
| 01:15 - 01:17 | I knew that they would pull the diversity card on me! |
| 01:18 - 01:23 | As soon as they started talking "diversity" and "community", I knew it was a lost cause. |
| 01:25 - 01:28 | So much for their talk of "inclusion" and "merit-based admissions". |
| 01:29 - 01:31 | I performed admirably in my calculus class! |
| 01:31 - 01:34 | I spent hours working on my application materials, |
| 01:34 - 01:37 | and don't get me started on the beautiful essay that I wrote! |
| 01:37 - 01:40 | It was a work of art; should have won a Pulitzer prize! |
| 01:40 - 01:42 | Sir, the U does have an excellent program, I'm a Ute myself. |
| 01:42 - 01:46 | Don't patronize me! I have a reputation to maintain! |
| 01:46 - 01:48 | Sir, the U's School of Computing is known worldwide. |
| 01:48 - 01:52 | I'm aware of that, but you don't have an office full of Ute coworkers |
| 01:53 - 01:54 | who you have to see everyday! |
| 01:56 - 01:57 | I'll never live it down! |
| 01:57 - 02:00 | My boss is the most vocal of the bunch |
| 02:00 - 02:03 | And now he'll get to gloat about me becoming a Ute! |
| 02:04 - 02:08 | He'll never let me hear the end of it! |
| 02:08 - 02:13 | It's bad enough that I feel guilty for turning my back on my alma mater, |
| 02:14 - 02:16 | but now I have to deal with him reminding me about it all the time. |
| 02:17 - 02:21 | I'll be in for worse treatment than the people of Russia received at the hands of Stalin! |
| 02:27 - 02:29 | Please forgive my outburst. |
| 02:30 - 02:34 | I'm just very upset because, inside of me, |
| 02:34 - 02:36 | I am a Cougar! |
| 02:41 - 02:42 | And I don't know |
| 02:43 - 02:47 | if I'll be able to stoop so low as to become a Ute! |
| 02:48 - 02:53 | This will, in truth, be my darkest hour! |
| 02:54 - 02:56 | You incompetent fools. |
| 02:56 - 02:59 | Why couldn't you get me into Penn? |
| 03:00 - 03:02 | You had one job, and you failed colossally! |
| 03:04 - 03:07 | It's okay! The Utes are better at football anyway. |
| 03:14 - 03:16 | I'll be alright, I suppose. |
| 03:19 - 03:23 | "This too shall pass", as they say. |
| 03:25 - 03:26 | After all |
| 03:31 - 03:33 | the U can't be that bad. |
| 03:40 - 03:46 | And, focusing on the pluses, I won't have to be sad the next time that Utah beats BYU in football. |
| 03:46 - 03:49 | And they'll let me have a real beard, rather than |
| 03:53 - 03:56 | this gross toothbrush mustache. |
