| 00:00 - 00:03 | So Cleveland and Baltimore played last night. |
| 00:04 - 00:05 | It was a very close game |
| 00:05 - 00:07 | in Cleveland's stadium. |
| 00:08 - 00:12 | It came down to the final seconds, |
| 00:12 - 00:15 | just like most Ravens games this season. |
| 00:17 - 00:19 | At least my fantasy team beat Steiner's. |
| 00:19 - 00:21 | I've managed to capture a playoff spot. |
| 00:24 - 00:26 | Sir... |
| 00:27 - 00:28 | Steiner... |
| 00:31 - 00:33 | Steiner's Ravens defense returned a blocked field goal for a touchdown. |
| 00:34 - 00:36 | You lost by half a point. |
| 00:53 - 00:58 | Anyone who thinks fantasy football is a pointless waste of time, get out now. |
| 01:13 - 01:15 | How could this fucking happen?! |
| 01:15 - 01:17 | I was up by six points with 10 seconds to go! |
| 01:18 - 01:23 | I thought I could turn the game off! Only the fucking Browns could pull this off! |
| 01:25 - 01:28 | I was this close to a playoff spot, |
| 01:29 - 01:31 | and you're telling me that I'm suddenly out?! |
| 01:31 - 01:34 | Calvin Johnson got me 35 fucking points, |
| 01:34 - 01:37 | and that STILL wasn't enough for my other players to win it for me?! |
| 01:37 - 01:40 | This happens every single goddamn year! |
| 01:40 - 01:42 | But sir, there could still be a stat correction! |
| 01:42 - 01:46 | What could they correct, dumbass?! |
| 01:46 - 01:48 | Perhaps one of his quarterback's touchdowns was a lateral. |
| 01:48 - 01:52 | Whenever there's a stat correction, it either isn't good enough to win or makes me lose! |
| 01:53 - 01:54 | It never helps! |
| 01:56 - 01:57 | Last year I took Cordarrelle Patterson |
| 01:57 - 02:00 | in the fourth fucking round! |
| 02:00 - 02:03 | The year before it was Trent Richardson! |
| 02:04 - 02:08 | I'm never going to get to the playoffs with the shitty players I'm stuck with! |
| 02:08 - 02:13 | Literally all my friends have made the playoffs, |
| 02:14 - 02:16 | but I'm destined to always finish just outside the money! |
| 02:17 - 02:21 | How am I ever going to win multiple championships like Stalin?! |
| 02:27 - 02:29 | My luck is pretty fucking terrible, isn't it? |
| 02:30 - 02:34 | I mean that literally. Andrew Luck just sucks this season. He was supposed to take the next step into stardom, |
| 02:34 - 02:36 | but he shits the bed on a weekly basis. |
| 02:41 - 02:42 | I had the first pick in my draft, |
| 02:43 - 02:47 | and I took Le'Veon fucking Bell with that pick! |
| 02:48 - 02:53 | I thought that, if I could survive his suspension, I'd be fine! |
| 02:54 - 02:56 | Then he went and injured his knee! |
| 02:56 - 02:59 | Goddamn the teams who took Adrian Peterson, |
| 03:00 - 03:02 | the only first-round runner who HASN'T been terrible. |
| 03:04 - 03:07 | Don't worry. Peterson should get you to the finals. |
| 03:14 - 03:16 | I guess it's finally time |
| 03:19 - 03:23 | to look forward to next year now. |
| 03:25 - 03:26 | I guess... |
| 03:31 - 03:33 | I'll drop all my best players. |
| 03:40 - 03:46 | The scramble by the contenders to pick them up, and the chaos, will be absolutely beautiful. |
| 03:46 - 03:49 | Let's see which teams are desperate enough to pick them up. |
| 03:53 - 03:56 | Let the games begin. |
