| 00:00 - 00:03 | The Führer has been on laxatives preparing for his colonoscopy |
| 00:04 - 00:05 | Dr. Steiner will grab a United flight from Chicago to Louisville |
| 00:05 - 00:07 | Then get a flight to Berlin to perform the procedure |
| 00:08 - 00:12 | You'll have to keep taking laxatives and clear liquids |
| 00:12 - 00:15 | until the Doctor arrives here at the hospital |
| 00:17 - 00:19 | Well I hope so, I'm cleaned out like |
| 00:19 - 00:21 | the Augean Stables when Hercules got done with them |
| 00:24 - 00:26 | Mein Führer |
| 00:27 - 00:28 | Steiner... |
| 00:31 - 00:33 | Steiner's flight was overbooked. No one volunteered. |
| 00:34 - 00:36 | Steiner was beaten and dragged off the plane. |
| 00:53 - 00:58 | Everyone who has been beaten and dragged forcibly off a United flight please leave the room. |
| 01:13 - 01:15 | He was thrown off the plane! |
| 01:15 - 01:17 | How does a seated confirmed passenger get dragged off a plane? |
| 01:18 - 01:23 | What exactly did he pay his money for |
| 01:25 - 01:28 | if he doesn't actually get to fly on the plane? |
| 01:29 - 01:31 | People said flying on commercial airlines |
| 01:31 - 01:34 | these days is like riding a bus. |
| 01:34 - 01:37 | But I guess with United it's like getting dragged behind the bus. |
| 01:37 - 01:40 | The man is a doctor. My doctor! |
| 01:40 - 01:42 | But Mein Führer, some United crew members really needed those seats- |
| 01:42 - 01:46 | And I need my doctor and my freaking colonoscopy! |
| 01:46 - 01:48 | Mein Führer, United said its crew followed procedures. |
| 01:48 - 01:52 | Yeah they offered him $200 and a Motel 6 voucher. |
| 01:53 - 01:54 | He was on the plane. |
| 01:56 - 01:57 | And some freaking computer algorithm said... |
| 01:57 - 02:00 | "Commuter Plane crews are more important than doctors." |
| 02:00 - 02:03 | Because they have to fly 23 people to Peoria tomorrow |
| 02:04 - 02:08 | So they called in some Jackbooted Storm Troopers - |
| 02:08 - 02:13 | Not that there's anything wrong with that, under the right authority |
| 02:14 - 02:16 | but normally we use them for terrorists or millennial protestors |
| 02:17 - 02:21 | but now I can't have my colonoscopy because my doctor needs a doctor. |
| 02:27 - 02:29 | Just when we thought Uber set the bar low |
| 02:30 - 02:34 | for integrity and customer relations in the transportation industry |
| 02:34 - 02:36 | Oscar Munoz says "Hold My Beer." |
| 02:41 - 02:42 | I mean seriously, |
| 02:43 - 02:47 | if I buy a TV from Wal-Mart, they can't come break into my home... |
| 02:48 - 02:53 | and take it back because one of their employees wants it |
| 02:54 - 02:56 | It's a good thing the USA passed that "Airline Customer Bill of Rights" |
| 02:56 - 02:59 | Which was mostly written by the airline industry... |
| 03:00 - 03:02 | Hell, I've written better Bills of Rights |
| 03:04 - 03:07 | They still have to give you peanuts if you're on the tarmac more than 6 hours |
| 03:14 - 03:16 | We used to be able to move our legs, |
| 03:19 - 03:23 | put the tray table down and use a laptop on it, |
| 03:25 - 03:26 | Check a bag for free and get a sandwich. |
| 03:31 - 03:33 | And now passengers are like cattle |
| 03:40 - 03:46 | Except we don't have any animal rights groups trying to help us. |
| 03:46 - 03:49 | Call the doc and tell him, next time... |
| 03:53 - 03:56 | Take the bus |
