| 00:00 - 00:03 | No, it is not a hoax. |
| 00:04 - 00:05 | It has been confirmed. |
| 00:05 - 00:07 | It will be installed here. |
| 00:08 - 00:12 | Count von Faber-Castell has vowed to take back from you the world's record: |
| 00:12 - 00:15 | the largest pencil ever constructed, to be erected at his family's ancestral castle. |
| 00:17 - 00:19 | He's lost his mind. |
| 00:19 - 00:21 | It can't be done. It will crack. |
| 00:24 - 00:26 | Herr Fuhrmann... |
| 00:27 - 00:28 | They... |
| 00:31 - 00:33 | They have already successfully completed fabrication. |
| 00:34 - 00:36 | It is already on site. |
| 00:53 - 00:58 | I want every person who has not yet received their spiritual name to leave this room immediately. |
| 01:13 - 01:15 | He CAN'T be that fucking crazy! |
| 01:15 - 01:17 | Nobody outcrazies King Crazy!!! |
| 01:18 - 01:23 | If I let that motherfucker steal my modus operandi, I'm FUCKED! |
| 01:25 - 01:28 | All my precious world records will fall like dominoes! |
| 01:29 - 01:31 | I'm #1 in a field of one! |
| 01:31 - 01:34 | Level playing field? Kiss my ass! |
| 01:34 - 01:37 | Doing insane, ridiculous, absurd, meaningless shit is what I'm all about! |
| 01:37 - 01:40 | Stuff no sane person spending their own money would ever consider! |
| 01:40 - 01:42 | Mein Fuhrmann, you could try competing in a legitimate sport--- |
| 01:42 - 01:46 | You FUCKING MORON! Is that what you have learned from our spiritual preceptor? You DUMB FUCK! |
| 01:46 - 01:48 | Mein Fuhrmann, quality over quantity... |
| 01:48 - 01:52 | You're riding in MY crazy train now, you goddamn asshole! There's no turning back now! |
| 01:53 - 01:54 | Your bridges are burned! |
| 01:56 - 01:57 | Playing 150 musical instruments excruciatingly badly |
| 01:57 - 02:00 | and pretending to lift 7000 pounds |
| 02:00 - 02:03 | is what you chose to worship! |
| 02:04 - 02:08 | If eating walrus turds while pogo-sticking upside down underwater in the Antarctic is what I gotta do to keep my name in the record book |
| 02:08 - 02:13 | I will goddamn well do it, and you will sponsor me down to your last hard-earned dime! |
| 02:14 - 02:16 | And thank me for it and exalt my name! |
| 02:17 - 02:21 | Don't get all like "we wanna help feed the hungry" on me, cuz I don't give a shit! I am the fucking Man of Steel! |
| 02:27 - 02:29 | 300 grand is chump change. |
| 02:30 - 02:34 | Slave labor doesn't faze me in the least. Not if it buys me respect. |
| 02:34 - 02:36 | The king is dead, long live the king! |
| 02:41 - 02:42 | How the hell was I supposed to know.. |
| 02:43 - 02:47 | that the fat pathetic old horndog was gonna drop dead on me and leave me to dispose of the worthless ten ton pile of shit? |
| 02:48 - 02:53 | No way I'm gonna pay to warehouse the monstrosity when the love offerings are barely covering the fuel for the Learjet! |
| 02:54 - 02:56 | "76 Years Young" |
| 02:56 - 02:59 | What a fatuous, obsequious, Hallmark greeting card blowjob of an inscription that was! |
| 03:00 - 03:02 | I racked my brains over that one until I shat blood! |
| 03:04 - 03:07 | It's OK Savita, the Inner Pilot is guiding him. |
| 03:14 - 03:16 | I am responsible for all your souls now. |
| 03:19 - 03:23 | The onus is on me to dream up some stunt that will keep you really inspired. |
| 03:25 - 03:26 | It's just hard. |
| 03:31 - 03:33 | The tricky part will be getting a loan. |
| 03:40 - 03:46 | But if we can afford a mountain of M&Ms, just put a blindfold on me and a pair of chopsticks in my hands, |
| 03:46 - 03:49 | and I guarantee you I will give any challenger one hell of a fight. |
| 03:53 - 03:56 | As long as I don't have to get a job. |
